NewsThump

WW3 to kick-off after vague, passive-aggressive Facebook status

England cricketers told by Mums to play nice with Australia, or not at all

‘Great British Bake-Off’ to play ten nights at Wembley Stadium

Donald Trump feared lost after disappearing up his own arse

Left-wing builder shouts slogans of empowerment at passing women

Australian cricket team applies for political asylum

Camila Batmanghelidjh unmasked as Camila Brucewayneghelidjh

Former Chairman of ‘Kids Company’ finds new job as magic-eye book

Taliban to reclaim terror title with devastating campaign of photobombing

London commuters confused and unhappy as tube strike forces them to confront reality

Edinburgh festival promises to be the most irritating yet

The Dealer constantly calls me about the electro-fog, insists Noel Edmonds

DLR becomes sentient joins planned RMT strike

Search parties ‘giving up hope’ in hunt for good reason not to like Jeremy Corbyn

French border Police activate Bat-Signal and piss off home

Modern Tory party only f*cking kids financially and socially, insist officials

Great Cthulhu emerges as surprise front-runner in Labour leadership contest

Robin Hood formally surrenders to Iain Duncan-Smith

House prices rise from ‘bloody ridiculous’ to ‘f**king absurd’

£1bn lost during RBS share sale found ‘alive and well’ in investment bank client accounts

No plans to shag any children, confirms Cameron

New wrinkle cure has doctors terrified because it’s made out of doctors

Clean pants and toilet paper sell out in City of London

Class War to rebrand as Middle-Class Guilt War

Satan ice-skates to work following banker conviction

Man failing to give tiniest shit about what biscuits politicians eat

Annual appraisal sees Jesus put on Performance Improvement Plan

African Americans to start wearing bulletproof armadillos

Lovejoy to appear in Game of Thrones

Calais migrants to be reclassified as ‘goblins’ to avoid accidental bouts of conscience

Newsthump Digest