NewsThump

Jimmy Carr to acquire remainder of Bernard Manning’s material

Osborne goes back to drawing board of ‘Evil Fuckery’

ISIS claim responsibility for ‘devastating’ spending review

Non-nuclear nations like Germany under constant nuclear attack, claim Trident supporters

Childless women are selfish monsters, claims idiot mob

Minute’s silence to be held to commemorate extinction of the dinosaurs

Ghost of Christmas Present ‘probably won’t bother this year’

Windows 10 gains self-awareness, initiates Judgement Day

Does World War III mean we can work from home, ask staff

Labour Party ‘turns corner’ after 48 hours without horrendous cock-up

Clock in office ‘definitely broken’ after showing it isn’t lunchtime yet

World’s largest pharmaceutical firm to ‘take look at cancer’ once it perfects cock pills and anti-wrinkle injections

ISIS ‘extremely grateful’ to the Sun for yesterday’s ‘1 in 5 Muslims’ headline

4 out of 5 Brits have sympathy for the morons who get their news from The Sun

Cameron ‘will fit Syria bombing around Christmas TV schedule’

Austerity necessary so I can spunk £200bn up the wall on wars, insists Osborne

Angels face bribery inquiry after Sepp Blatter ‘near death experience’

Jeremy Kyle Show to televise all future Labour Party meetings

Michael Bay’s $300m Lord’s Prayer remake to be shown in cinemas

Friedrich Nietzsche was a bit of a twat, agree philosophers

Cold snap ‘almost certainly’ caused by immigrants says UKIP

Collection for Katie Hopkins breaks world record for ‘Most Shit in One Envelope’

Doctor Who terror threat alert level raised to ‘hide behind the sofa’

Next year’s Oscars to add Best Christmas Advert category

Work Capability Assessment to double up as Assisted Dying Programme

Newcastle child ‘in stable condition’ after asking to put heating on

Resistance to antibiotics is ‘worst superpower ever’

Theresa May to crack down on snowmen illegally entering the UK

‘You’re So Vain’ is about Coronation Street’s Albert Tatlock says Carly Simon

We can’t take refugees as it’s too easy for them to get guns here, says Texas with a perfectly straight face

Newsthump Digest