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Self-aware trifle robot ‘not good enough’ for Bake Off judges

Warning as UK’s leading psychopath learns to feign emotions

Hollywood screenwriters announce they’ve finished the script for Batman vs Superman

Britain should take full responsibility for all overseas territories except the Falklands, insists Corbyn

Man’s ‘spa weekend’ consisted of pork pie, damp dog and pint of mild

Time between oil price rise and rise in petrol prices reduced to six nanoseconds

Criminals thanked for taking their own mugshots

Migrant piss-taking continues with cruise to Turkey

Woman has her day ruined by waking up

David Cameron’s public school fees paid by dodgy offshore account

‘Optimistic’ to be defined as a three-year contract with Chelsea

Taliban app – ‘Talibandy Crush Saga’ – removed from Google store

Leaning Tower of Pisa joke has been done, tourist told

Adrian Edmondson to play ‘Darth Vyvyan’ in Star Wars VIII

Jack Wilshere disappointed at still not being let into nightclubs

Everyone confident that rich, white tax evaders will go to prison

Office wrestling fan wants to talk to you about Wrestlemania

Absolutely everyone passing Facebook quiz that ‘only 4% of population can pass’

Rich man pays tax

Archers agricultural editor pretty much superfluous these days

ISAs are bollocks, confirm super-rich

Vladimir Putin has no hidden accounts, says last surviving Panamanian lawyer

Coca-Cola posts trademark claim against ‘Hokey Cokey’

Corbett, Daniels and Wogan beat the crap out of Jimmy Savile

People go back to believing everything they read on the Internet

Second Chesney Hawkes discovered

Michael Gove caught fingering pigeon

Living wage recipients celebrate with voucher-free McDonald’s

Transgender employee overlooked for promotion ‘finally feels like a real woman’

Eddie the Eagle movie expected to come last at the box office

Newsthump Digest