NewsThump

Amy Schumer calls for Bono to step up and fight Anthony Joshua

Ryanair to introduce standing-only flights

Liverpool and Manchester United ‘to kiss and make-up’

Brazil rebrands Zika virus as ‘Olympic Fever’

Public interest only extends to what politicians look like eating bacon, claim newspapers

Facebook bots to argue with your girlfriend for you

Child abuse victim finally grows out of it after Stephen Fry pep-talk

King Canute launches online petition demanding tide goes back

Park to install coin-operated swings, a premium slide, and a members-only roundabout

Sex worker shamed by relationship with ‘politician’

Still here, says Cameron

Duchess of Cambridge chooses India trip to reveal her cloven hooves

MP ejected from Commons following accurate character assessment

Search party for Mark Lamarr turns up empty-handed

Tax return the ‘perfect place to hide dodgy earnings’ claims rubbish accountant

Efficient passage through airport security is Britain’s biggest turn-on

Aston Villa release 19-second long season highlights DVD

Politicians to publish all the financial affairs they think they can get away with

Wasps promising an unprecedented year of fuckery

Wills and Kate embark on tour of Mumbai slums

Jeremy Corbyn releases tax return carved into 9ft block of stone

Atheist, teetotal, vegan crossfitter wins title of Britain’s dullest man

Website no-one uses to be acquired by newspaper everyone hates

Call for all politicians to be regularly kicked up the arse gains widespread support

Barcelona fans crossing fingers for glamourous Leicester away day

Ken Livingstone breaks expensive new hypocrisy-o-meter

Yorkshire wins the Masters

Everyone wondering how to get on Mary Cameron’s Christmas present list

Prime Minister accuses protesters of not respecting his Safe Space

None harmed after imperial stormtrooper goes on two-hour mass-shooting rampage

Newsthump Digest