NewsThump

BBC to open up Question Time audience to people who aren’t complete morons

Scientists discover humble Mancunian

Important development probably could have been communicated over the phone, confirms detective

Brad Pitt investigated after forcing his children to watch “Meet Joe Black”

Nobody using a Yahoo email address has first idea what ‘hacking’ is

Wasp bastardry at all-time high

Mum sick of so-called ‘experts’ telling her children not to eat button batteries

Boris Johnson demands jelly and ice-cream at crucial UN meeting on Syria

Chinese space station to fall to earth two days after the warranty expires

Paul Hollywood to be executed for high treason

Eggs and Flour announce they are to leave Great British Bake Off

Mary Berry tells Channel 4 to shove it up their soggy bottoms

Bake Off now worth £4.79

Mary Berry to front BBC’s all new CopyCake show

Ordinary Syrians delighted Boris Johnson now at UN to sort everything out

North Korean Internet impossible to satirise

David Cameron to charge £50k per hour as after-dinner hooker

‘If the Earth isn’t flat how come I can see to the end of my garden’, scoffs UKIP’s Douglas Carswell

Hundreds dead in murderous Skittle rampage

Cocaine users seek assurance new plastic notes are BPA-free

Corbyn’s ex-wife voted for Owen Smith because Jeremy can’t pack dishwasher correctly

Red-shirted Ensign returns to Enterprise completely unharmed

Brad Pitt profile appears on Match.com

Theresa May ‘shitting it’ as Jeremy Corbyn puts Labour on election footing

Concept of marriage officially dead

‘Brangelexit’ added to the Oxford English Dictionary

Jennifer Aniston hospitalised after dangerously prolonged laughing fit

‘Establishment elite’ identified as 52-year-old Kettering man

Keanu Reeves put under management of the Forestry Commission

‘No brown M&Ms’, insists Trump

Newsthump Digest