NewsThump

It’s because the children are thick, say teachers

Boris Johnson is a ‘hypocritical twat’, claims Saudi Arabia

30-day warranty expires on ‘Make America Great Again’ baseball caps

Saudi Imams call for ‘Sharia-compatible’ alternative to Peppa Pig

Government opens new community swimming pool filled with tears of Remainers

Grown adult explaining to child that ‘there is no bogeyman’ still regularly terrified by stories in Daily Mail

UKIP to release Paul Nuttall scented candle

Donald Trump named NewsThump’s “Resource of the Year”

Man finally has excuse for not trimming his pubic hair

Fat shamers target Christmas goose

Londoners on National Living Wage urged to become parking spaces

Dad gets into Christmas spirit by drinking in the mornings

Theresa May to publish fag packet on back of which Brexit plan is scribbled

Government to take action on poverty by redefining it again

Theresa May says she wants an ‘amazing technicolour dreambrexit’

Outrage follows claims Last Tango in Paris used I Can’t Believe It’s not Butter

You must unconditionally support the Brexit plan we’re not going to tell you about, insists Government

Islamotron Qur’androids set to invade Earth and steal your job, claims Daily Mail

‘Why the f**k do we still live here?’ asks Midsomer resident

Nigel Farage wins Turner Prize for his controversial work ‘Brexit Britain’

Britain First fury over plans to bring ISS capsule to the UK

New dystopian horror film to be set on Southern Rail train

Apple’s self-driving electric car to suddenly die when battery shows 30%

NewsThump’s Guide to the Supreme Court Justices

Tranmere Rovers ‘a breeding ground’ for future UKIP leaders, warn experts

Ed Miliband finally masters the eating of a bacon sandwich

Italy votes for Germany to pay for everything

Paul Nuttall confirms he got his PhD from Trump University

Austria not as thick as pig shit

Britain First disappointed to discover lyrics in ‘White Christmas’ refer to snow

Newsthump Digest