NewsThump

BBC4’s new ‘slow TV’ special to feature constipated man on the toilet

Rogue One release sees Peter Cushing declared fit for work by DWP

British Visas to be fast-tracked for Indians who promise not to mention the cricket

It’ll snow on the Sahara before we apologise to a Muslim, pledges Daily Mail

Quality Street to be renamed Quantity Street

God reveals top prayers of 2016

Morale at rock bottom as office enters 43rd day without cakes

Woman passes online IQ test by not clicking on it

Debilitating sherry addiction forces Santa into AA

Scottish National Party unveil letter to Father Christmas

Vampires celebrating their longest day of the year

Today’s horrific Southern Rail journeys nothing to do with a strike, confirm sources

OFSTED seek to place Electoral College in ‘special measures’

Post-Brexit nativity chaos as Joseph and Mary told to ‘f*ck off back to Nazareth’

USA to be renamed U!S!A!

Santa’s elves call 24-hour strike for Christmas Eve

I’m not Sith, I’m Alt-Jedi, clarifies Darth Vader

UN to classify hanging toilet paper the wrong way round as human rights violation

Tragedy as man forgets to take phone to the toilet

Jeremy Corbyn given bottle of whisky and a loaded revolver in Secret Santa

Zsa Zsa Gabor to marry St Peter

Lower Bottom village Hat Museum staff stage walkout

Cheap Christmas tree already shedding its goddamn needles

Katie Hopkins rushed to hospital after choking on apology to Muslim family

Public servants to swear a blood oath to Theresa May

Christmas is Coming, warns House Stark

Daily Express reader accuses Russia of fixing the Strictly vote

Fears remain after hundreds of delinquents battle for control in Houses of Parliament

Good King Wenceslas was actually Brian Blessed, historians discover

Man ‘working from home’ sends just the right amount of emails

Newsthump Digest