NewsThump

Fake sport generates real emotions

Theresa May furious about Easter Eggs while visiting country where blasphemers are beheaded

Church of England accused of airbrushing Jesus into history

‘Grammar Vigilante’ suffers heart attack after reading Britain First Facebook page

Church and Cadbury reach compromise with ‘Chocolate Resurreggtion’

Mattress outside house with ‘please take’ on it remains untaken for fourth straight day

Planet Earth votes to leave its orbit around the Sun

Shit-flinging Gibraltar monkeys are ‘missing link’ between UKIP voters and modern humans

Government deflects criticism of welfare cuts by redefining term ‘c*nts’

‘War against Spain was implied’ insists Vote Leave campaign

Man demanding return of blue passports has no intention of ever going anywhere ‘foreign’

Brexiter ‘dangerously priapic’ at prospect of war over Gibraltar

Theresa May sets up exclusion zone around Gibraltar

Government seeks Spanish-speaking trash-talk expert for unspecified role

Concern as Dad starts wearing cycling shorts

Grand Moff Tarkin announces timetable for Alderaan leaving the Empire

Brexit latest: God confirms He is no longer willing to save Queen

Guy seeking immunity before talking about Russia fixing election worked for Obama, insists Trump

Woman working at home unsure of acceptable time to start drinking

Tyrannically oppressive EU laws actually OK now we’ve copied them, insists Brexiter

‘Does this mean Nigel Farage will finally f*ck off?’ asks hopeful British public

Glasgow sets new record after experiencing weather from all four seasons in under forty minutes

White House denies conflict between environmental policy and Trump’s new ‘International Ark & Casino’

Brexiter who was furious at EU telling him what to do now pretty keen on telling you what to do

Colleague who ‘jokingly’ asks for Gin & Tonic instead of tea actually a raging alcoholic

Man continues joyless slog through great work of literature

Kent landlord who banned ‘coloured’ people from renting his properties tipped for bright future in UKIP

Nice continent you have there, shame if anything were to… happen to it, Britain tells EU

Hipster stops being a hipster before it’s cool

Rare tigers found behind Wetherspoons in Chelmsford

Newsthump Digest