NewsThump

Roy Wood branded a hypocrite after taking down his Christmas decorations

‘Actually, I’m the stable genius,’ insists clever horse

Theresa May to move bastards about a bit

Warhammer player rushing to finish painting his old Custodes so he can buy the new Custodes

Subject of Police’s ‘Every Little Thing She Does is Magic’ arrested for witchcraft

I am a stable genius insists man in park dressed as Napoleon chasing away ‘invading pigeons’

I’d watch the shit out of a Gorilla channel, Trump confirms

Evil micro-universe discovered in Donald Trump’s Fleshlight

Government responds to NHS crisis with emergency deployment of half-arsed apologies

Self-confessed sex offender brings in lawyers to refute claims he goes to bed early

Gorilla laughs off story he’d be stupid enough to watch a ‘Donald Trump channel’

Apple confirms that products are ‘crap’

‘That book is full of lies’ blasts Donald Trump after reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar

People who are happy to spend £3.70 on a coffee losing their shit about paying 25p for cup

Streets of Windsor to be clogged by notorious family demanding free hand-outs

UKIP now stands for ‘United Kingdom Independent Penises’ confirms leader

Thank you President Trump for all your help with marketing, say publishers of Fire and Fury

Toby Young hopes ‘cracking knockers’ will be on show at freshers’ week, say friends

Workers to mark ‘Fat Cat Thursday’ by obediently swallowing more corporate gravy

Gym worker watching New Year members wishing he’d paid attention during CPR training

Scots panic-buying Irn-Bru amid plans to remove girders from the recipe

Injured and malnourished family rescued from quick game of Boxing Day Monopoly

Shock at revelation that Donald Trump may have read a book

You can’t blame me for the NHS, I’m only in charge of everything, says Jeremy Hunt

Get the homeless away from that big castle full of hundreds of spare rooms, demands Tory council leader

Alt-right children left upset at being forced to choose between their two Dads

‘Cheese better than sex’ insist people who are terrible at sex

Judy Murray to bid for new son as transfer window opens

White House insists ‘no subtext’ to Donald Trump’s boast about a ‘bigger, thicker, harder button’

Theresa May to appease grumpy commuters by turning rail tickets blue

Newsthump Digest