NewsThump

He’s doing a great job, says Trump in defence of controversial staff member Ramsey Bolton

Hibernating bear definitely having a better time of it than you

Just £30 per month can provide an aid worker with access to clean prostitutes, claim Oxfam

Team GB protests at exclusion of ‘Hill Slide on Carrier Bag’ from Winter Olympics

Yoko Ono denying any involvement in break up of ‘ISIS Beatles’

Homosexual calls for conversion therapy to ‘cure’ Christianity

Last two ISIS ‘Beatles’ fighting over who has to be Jihadi Ringo

Elon Musk to be launched into space to retrieve sunglasses left in Tesla

Serial draft dodger demands huge military parade in his honour

British racists excited to see Nigel Farage branching out into new field of antisemitism

Nothing sinister about Freemasons, insists Grand Lodge Leader sipping virgin’s blood from ceremonial chalice

Jeremy Corbyn considering doing something

Brexiters refusing to believe their region will be worse off until they see it written on a bus

Cheddar Man probably ‘UK’s first benefit tourist’ insists Nigel Farage

Britain First unsure who to hate after discovering the first Briton had dark skin

Putting a car into outer space cheaper than parking it in London, SpaceX confirms

Cadburys to remove ‘Easter’ from Easter eggs to avoid causing offence

Angry cyclist spotted furiously chasing down car 300,000 miles from Earth

Plastic derides Britain’s half-arsed attempts to manage without it

Mike Pence in perfect health after having his prostate checked for the 53rd week in a row

New flat BBC weather map lets viewers see exactly just how shit weather is over whole of Scotland

Norovirus outbreak sees Winter Olympic staff break sprinting records in mad dash for toilets

Cabinet bitterly divided on whether it is a ‘good morning’

I’m not going on and on at you, says your wife, while going on and on at you

Brexit negotiations delayed due to wrong type of snow

Tory minister threatens to resign if the government continues carrying out the democratic will of the people

The NHS is failing, declares man behind wildly successful Trump Steaks and Trump Vodka brands

Formula One grid girls to be replaced with grid horses

Dele Alli caught cheating on girlfriend and also at football

Donald Trump suddenly really quiet about the stock market for some reason

Newsthump Digest