NewsThump

Father panics as son befriends working class toddler in soft play area

‘Social smoker’ relieved to only develop ‘social Emphysema’

Jeremy Corbyn seeking final solution to accusations of anti-semitism

Vladimir Putin to launch Novi-choc Easter egg range

Easter celebrations begin with traditional moronic outrage about halal chocolate eggs

Rothschilds blamed for Jeremy Corbyn antisemitism allegations

In my defence, I only paid for sex with porn star because she reminded me of my daughter, insists ‘family man’ Trump

Future school shooter learning plenty from school shooting drills

McDonald’s Monopoly formally recognised as a religion

Republicans still prefer guns to children

First non-stop flight from Perth to London forces passengers to poo on plane

‘A-ha! But Israel’ says anti-Semite shithead, triumphantly

Momentum accused of being a cult after burning Owen Smith in giant wicker man

Furious Goths protest as clock changes result in them losing an hour of night

Alt-right pundits take a stand against Isis-linked attack in France by being overjoyed it happened

Mark Zuckerberg makes appeal for people to respect his privacy

Blue passports will need to be ‘collected in person from Amsterdam’

Trump administration now down to just one intern

TV viewers to finally solve mystery of which one is Ant and which one is Dec

Theresa May suggests some form of formal unified group of European countries to oppose Russia

Shock as Rupert Murdoch announces Sun newspaper to be made in France

Outraged Brexiters vow to craft their own new blue passports out of Wetherspoons beer mats

‘I’m not on Facebook’ the new ‘I’m a vegan’

I gave away passport production rights in the Brexit negotiations, admits David Davis

I’m a bit OCD, claims man who doesn’t have first f**king clue what OCD is

Food bank users delighted to see politicians dump perfectly good fish into the Thames

Nazi dog successfully frames Scottish owner

Friends Reunited twitches an eyelid as family plays news of Facebook’s demise at hospital bedside

“I am still relevant!” screams angry old man throwing dead fish into river

Facebook insists their terms and conditions grant permission to go through your bins

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