NewsThump

‘I’m not on Facebook’ the new ‘I’m a vegan’

I gave away passport production rights in the Brexit negotiations, admits David Davis

I’m a bit OCD, claims man who doesn’t have first f**king clue what OCD is

Food bank users delighted to see politicians dump perfectly good fish into the Thames

Nazi dog successfully frames Scottish owner

Friends Reunited twitches an eyelid as family plays news of Facebook’s demise at hospital bedside

“I am still relevant!” screams angry old man throwing dead fish into river

Facebook insists their terms and conditions grant permission to go through your bins

Jacob Rees-Mogg to throw his butler into the sea in protest at Brexit transition deal

Mark Zuckerberg ignores friend request from Parliamentary Select Committee

All-You-Can-Eat restaurant stunned into silence as man eats only one plate of food

Cambridge Analytica literally the only people in the world that give a shit about your tedious Facebook posts

UK demonstrates strength of Brexit negotiating position by giving EU everything it wanted

EU divided over how badly they will make Boris Johnson beg for help with Russia

How much does Cambridge Analytica know about you? Take this test to find out!

Geoffrey the Giraffe to be humanely destroyed

“I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about Easter egg packaging” confirms Jesus Christ

Less people than ever understand the difference between ‘less’ and ‘fewer’

How well do you cope in the snow? Take our interactive test to find out!

Putin announces triumph in 2018, 2024, and 2030 elections

Ant or Dec arrested for drink driving

Vladimir Putin accused of interfering in Russian elections

Wacky bastard wearing a f*cking novelty Guinness top hat

You’re horrid and you smell, Gavin Williamson tells Russia

Response to Salisbury poisoning should be opposite of whatever Tories want, demands Corbyn

Russia to respond to Gavin Williamson speech as soon as they stop laughing

We shouldn’t rush to conclusions about Alderaan, says Jeremy Corbyn

Manchester United to advise government on achieving a European exit that delights a nation

This week’s US Secretary of State to be some guy

Jim Bowen greeted at pearly gates with his own speedboat

Newsthump Digest