NewsThump

Key brexiteers all move to the same village in France

Lidl to introduce seating for customers queuing at tills

Germany’s escaped tigers could be anywhere thanks to the EU’s freedom of movement, insists Nigel Farage

White House promises action as ‘crazy loner’ slays dozens of school kids with ‘feckless c*nts’ insult

IT department brings in new streamlined process for denying requests

Man wearing shorts realises how much urine routinely splashes over his legs

No need to resort to vulgarity, insists bunch of c*nts

Bad news for Iron Maiden fans as Donald Trump puts tariffs on foreign metal

Sam Allardyce rules himself out of Real Madrid due to lack of Greggs bakeries

Supporting women’s rights in Northern Ireland ‘a boy job’, confirms Theresa May

Adolf Hitler blames former racism on Herbal Nytol

The Evening Standard is a wonderful newspaper at the pinnacle of journalistic integrity, insists NewsThump

Massive arse meets massive arse

ABC to replace Roseanne with Cosby Show reboot

Confused Donald Trump demands Kim Kardashian ends North Korea’s nuclear weapons program

Russian journalist who faked his own assassination returns home to be murdered by wife

Tony the Tiger spotted outside local job centre

Breakfast cereal boxes must look dull and boring, insist MPs

Richard Madeley refuses to order food after Judy repeatedly fails to answer question ‘Chinese or Indian?’

Hipster Benedictine monk to launch Craft Buckfast

Roseanne Barr appointed White House press officer

Former EDL leader Tommy Robinson spends first night in prison, converts to Islam

Employees delighted after new member of staff turns out to be a grammar pedant

Raheem Sterlings asks why Christians wear a medieval torture device around their necks

UK Brexit proposals nominated for Hugo Award in Fantasy category

‘Black customers are allowed white coffee’ Starbucks employees told

Scale a tall building and rescue a small child to get citizenship, migrants told

Thunder Gods battling in the sky forced us to cancel flights, claim Stansted airport

If you don’t like obeying our laws then you should get out of our country, Tommy Robinson told

Liverpool Goalkeeper Loris Karius named as new face of Teflon

Newsthump Digest