NewsThump

Chancellor to announce tax increase to pay for pretence of successful Brexit

Today’s compassionate Donald Trump takes firm action against yesterday’s callous Donald Trump

Man following extremely beautiful women on Instagram purely for the inspirational quotes

Donald Trump appoints plucky newcomer Anakin Skywalker as head of Space Force

Bald man clearly overcompensating with relentless pursuit of thick luscious lawn

Trump quits UN Human Rights Council claiming it’s biased against human-rights abusers

American humans enjoy final day of having rights

US to withdraw from UN Human Rights Council after UN refuses to reclassify Mexicans as sub-human

Government to ignore expert advice on drug laws and instead base policy on series 9 & 10 of Grange Hill

Woman criticises husband for watching ‘that football rubbish for a month’ before turning back to Love Island

History is littered with examples of the good guys locking children in cages, insists Donald Trump

Woman who wrote ‘hahahahahaha’ on WhatsApp didn’t even laugh once

Donald Trump announces new ‘Space Force’ will operate from giant spherical space station

Gareth Southgate apologises for letting down tabloid hacks with unexpected England win

England definitely going to win the World Cup

Football hooligan frantically Googling for Tunisian takeaway to smash up later

Arseholes confused about whether they’re in the cinema or their living room

TREASON! UK doomed after man reveals to EU that the nation is not united over Brexit

Huge blow for England World Cup chances as Danny Welbeck fails to injure himself in training

People who believe in ‘Brexit Dividend’ urged to avoid people selling magic beans

Over-enthusiastic teammate performs oral sex on goal scorer during World Cup match

Jeremy Kyle announced as new presenter of Question Time

North Korean administration left horrified at how US treats migrant children

‘Why the f*ck do I bother?’ asks ignored little red man at pedestrian crossing

People who haven’t been into their local bank since 1978 irate that it’s closing

Perverts everywhere thank Sir Christopher Chope for blocking upskirt bill

Jesus said love your neighbour, not snatch their kids off them, Christians remind Sarah Sanders

Relief as McDonald’s ditch plastic straws but keep plastic cheese

Schrödinger’s Muslim ‘getting away with everything’ while simultaneously ‘surrounding Tommy Robinson in prison’

Friend into football now

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