NewsThump

Therapy cat really stressing out under all this responsibility

Waitrose and Tinder join forces to deliver lovers to your bedroom while you’re out

Woman listening to headphones clearly in need of some guy to tell her that her music tastes suck

Study finds hoax Facebook cloning message shared exclusively by Brexiters

Vladimir Putin launches new, more competent Russian intelligence agency

Men warn of huge risks to planet if lounge temperature rise exceeds 1.5 C

Men win more Nobel Prizes than women because they are smarter, say utter dimwits

‘I did warn you all that I might lose’ insists Conor McGregor

Brett Kavanaugh installs bar with smoking-hot barmaids in Supreme Court office

America turns corner as privileged white man finally given benefit of the doubt

Lidl to scatter groceries randomly over your floor while you’re out

Toilet paper boards Air Force One still attached to massive turd

Office worker in Friday afternoon meeting hallucinates boss as giant bottle of wine

Genius Elon Musk fails to notice correlation between him tweeting and the collapse of his company’s share price

Burglars across Britain busy applying to work as Waitrose delivery drivers

Fears Russians have hacked Theresa May and reprogrammed her to do stupid dances

Donald Trump snubbed for Nobel Peace Prize despite achievements in not nuking anyone

Your brain waiting until half two tomorrow morning to remind you of that stupid thing you did

BBC Question Time under fire as white man openly mocked just for being an offensive moron

Russian agents arrested in Holland ‘just there to see the wonderful clogs which they had heard so much about’

Family growing increasingly concerned as Billie Joe Armstrong still not woken up

Girlfriend quite wants to go and see that film with Lady Gaga in it

People who spell “lose” as “loose” face death penalty

Tory candidate for London mayor proves race is no longer a barrier to becoming a prejudiced bigot

Amazon to stop hobbling and branding staff

ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’ now ruined forever

Theresa May’s Conservative party conference speech: The official highlights

It’s not f*cking jazz hands, we’re just not clapping, conference tells Theresa May

Man ridiculing victim of sexual abuse on world stage asks ‘why didn’t she come forward sooner?’

Brexiters furious at EU for sticking to position they’ve been saying was non-negotiable for 26 months

Newsthump Digest