NewsThump

Christian nation to demonstrate its Christian values by forgiving returning jihadi mother and child

Woman would have solved escape room by now if not for her fuckwit colleagues

’16-year-olds are too easily manipulated to be allowed the vote’, says man who believes Daily Mail headlines

‘Well, this is all rather lovely’ says Theresa May watching the news

Jeremy Corbyn supporters celebrate emergence of new thing to blame for his lack of success

NewsThump demands readers sign loyalty pledge

Changes to BST mean clocks will go back by 70 years at the end of March

Democrats thank Trump for opening the door to making climate change, gun control and healthcare all national emergencies

Jacob Rees-Mogg stages nude Brexit protest

Satirical article on Brexit accidentally becomes government policy

Maybot sends final message from Brussels: “My battery is low and it’s getting dark”

Duran Duran satisfied there is now nothing they should know

Teenager who fled the Empire to join the forces of Khorne the Blood God says she regrets her decision and ‘just wants to come home’

Mars rover Opportunity’s last words were “suck it, nerds”

Yorkshire on high alert after man spotted buying Quinoa in Doncaster

Woman fine with not receiving Valentine teddy bear as she’s not a f**king fourteen-year-old girl

Britain warned of Um Bongo shortages in event of hard Brexit

Man actually DOES need special day to show he cares, wife concludes

Northerner living in London keen to let everyone know how cold it is ‘back home’

Corbyn to May: Roses are red, violets are blue, this teddy is stuffed, and now so are you

Gucci’s £600 fake second-hand trainers targeted solely at complete f*cking morons

Cat with expensive new bed still decides to sleep in its litter tray

Theresa May to push for ‘Narnia plus’ Brexit deal

Bald guy still into hair metal

Theresa May reassures public that the body bags being stockpiled by the NHS will be blue

Man in the dog house for not remembering where his wife left her keys

Brexiter who knows he was conned by promise of ‘sunlit uplands’ decides to continue defiantly insisting he wasn’t

Vladimir Putin announced as new Facebook news regulator

‘Jesus Saves’ posters to be removed across the world, after he discovers he’s no match for Gordon Banks

Drastic drop in living standards is a price Brexiteers are happy for you to pay

Newsthump Digest