NewsThump

If I become prime minister all good guys will carry massive knives, says Jeremy Hunt

Every British household will be able to access Ashley Madison, promises Boris Johnson

Tory leadership debate to use Blind Date format

“As a mother, it is my duty to back man who can’t confirm how many children he has” explains Andrea Leadsom

Brexiters who’ve spent three years saying ‘you lost, get over it’ still waiting to discover what they’ve won

Boris Johnson dodging public debates to avoid inadvertently fathering a child during one

Woman insisting ‘courgetti’ is as good as spaghetti clearly lying through teeth

Sadiq Khan thanks President Trump for making him a political household name around the world

All-female World Cup proves, once again, that it’s men who face real discrimination

Man enjoying day of pampering as reward for successful ejaculation

It must be summer because the rain has warmed up a bit, Britain told

Nigel Farage slams Nigel Farage for stating he ‘would pick up a rifle’

Sarah Sanders interested in working for another New York-born truth-avoiding Muslim-bashing adulterer

Liberal Democrats form new breakaway party to escape Chuka Umunna

Andrea Leadsom to return to the late 1950s

Esther McVey to be humanely destroyed after falling at first fence in Tory leadership race

Sadiq Khan congratulated for making London a Jim Davidson-free zone

Prince of Whales issues statement after talks with President Trump

Boris Johnson pleads with Chris Grayling to back a different Tory leadership candidate

You don’t f**k with Lorraine Kelly, country learns

Millennial diligently saving for flat deposit and to pay for rich old people’s free stuff

Massive snowflake demands end to free speech over joke he didn’t like

New trend for realism in Instagram sees influencers posting images of themselves taking a painful shit

Andrea Leadsom pledges return of 1542 Witchcraft Act

Brexiter insists climate emergency doesn’t exist because he had to wear a jumper for a few days in June

Rory Stewart set to become the wettest Tory on record

Donald Trump tells journalists that he’d nailed the most amazing Mexico Deal but she goes to another school

Boris leadership campaign to be launched by man disguised as Boris in order to prevent gaffes

Government disappointed BBC aren’t buying groceries for families who use food banks

Kent suffers record flooding after Michael Gove tries to flush his stash down the bog

Newsthump Digest