NewsThump

Boris Johnson pledges to take Prorogation fight ‘all the way’ to the European Court of Justice

Brexiter insists Supreme Court is full of despicable Remoaning traitors

Patriotic Brexiters lay on fleet of private jets to rescue our brave Thomas Cook lads

Boris Johnson accidentally tells the truth

National Crime Agency confirms Arron Banks didn’t act illegally but ‘is still a bit of a bell-end’

Britons stranded abroad by Thomas Cook collapse reminded ‘we survived Dunkirk’

Positives from West Ham defeat include turning up on time and nobody actually shitting themselves, confirms Ole Gunnar Solskjaer

John Humphrys finally free to hurl racial abuse at people on the bus

Immigration Office ask Thomas Cook for advice on how to keep hundreds of thousands of people out of the country

Thomas Cook awarded contract to run ports after Brexit

Documentary reveals brief four day window in 1998 when David Cameron didn’t f**k anything up

Jeremy Corbyn rules out going into coalition with his own party

Global leaders announce plans to hope climate catastrophe sorts itself out

Finishing a marathon most certainly not better than sex, confirm scientists

Thomas Cook lists itself for sale on Ceefax

Boy missing school to take part in global climate strike wins fourth straight game of Fifa

Oompa Loompa community in uproar after more photos emerge of Donald Trump wearing ‘orangeface’

Shock new David Cameron claim: ‘I could have shagged the Queen’

Britain successfully leaves EU with a deal and six weeks to spare, according to Boris

Queen “thoroughly f*cked off” confirms Palace

Media confirms the parents of sick children must announce their political affiliations before anyone listens to their concerns

Boris Johnson to tour country in big red bus with ‘There’s no press here’ on the side

Bank of Mum and Dad to seek government bailout after paying for summer holidays and new school uniforms

Satire site receives one millionth “I thought this was supposed to be satire” comment on Facebook

President of Supreme Court did A-Level French and so is clearly biased, says appalled Daily Mail

Woman who turned TV volume down during loud bit now can’t hear what people are saying

I’ll be whatever you want me to be, teases a flirtatious Jeremy Corbyn

Luxembourg PM says that if you come to his gaff and give it lip then you’re going to get a slapping

Drunken Boris Johnson staggers into Supreme Court and demands trial-by-combat

130,000 deaths due to austerity was a personal best but I could have killed more, says wistful Cameron

Newsthump Digest