NewsThump

Seumas Milne criticised by boxing world for not throwing in the towel and saving Jeremy Corbyn during Andrew Neil bout

9 million unregistered voters preparing themselves to start voter registration process 1 hour before deadline

Jeremy Corbyn supporters confident Chief Rabbi doesn’t really understand antisemitism

Hopes rising that Jacob Rees-Mogg has returned to the late nineteenth century

Lazy Brits tired of politicians only focusing on hard-working families

Tories pledge to roll back Labour’s disastrous ten years of austerity

Tories promise two extra bank holidays next year by retaining the ones you already get in May

Relief as Tory manifesto promises that ‘this time we’ve really changed, please take us back’

I’m a Celebrity hits disgusting new low as contestants fed nothing but Government lies

Boris Johnson actually pledging 50,000 new sexy nurse uniforms for the NHS

Tory manifesto to be serialised on Channel 4 as The Handmaid’s Tale

Boris Johnson pledges to give everyone their own pole-dancing mistress

New poll shows televised leaders debate won by King Richard III

LinkedIn looking to attract corporate bastards as well as corporate shitheads

My favourite candidate clearly won the leaders debate, insists absolutely everyone

Question Time audience left shocked as Boris Johnson’s trousers burst into flames

Elon Musk criticised for letting his Minecraft-obsessed children design new Tesla Cybertruck

Brexit Party pledge to ban the Macarena

Elon Musk ushers in the future predicted in 80s sci-fi by launching car out of TimeCop

Which party you should vote for depends on how far back in time you’d like to take Britain

Northern woman terrifies US Congress

Brexit Party to fight election on platform of invading France

Lying sack of shit claims people don’t give a toss about being lied to by sacks of shit

Comical Mourinho Spurs meltdown scheduled for March 2021

Prince Andrew to step back from whatever the f*ck it is he does

Jose Mourinho announces first Tottenham signing will be ‘London Routemaster’

Tory Party criticised for changing Twitter account name to ‘RedHotNudes’

Tory party wasn’t trying to deceive anyone, insists independent fact-checker Jimmy Cleverest

North London Police investigating after Argentinian man stabbed in the back

Irony-free Arron Banks loudly complaining about people using his personal data without his express permission

Newsthump Digest