SportsUKFootball addict so desperate for a fix he’s willing to debase himself by consuming Aston Villa vs Sheffield United
PoliticsSportsUKGovernment reveals it preferred when footballers were not ‘doing their bit’ after all
PoliticsSportsUKLiverpool fans furious at Tory government for making them support a Manchester United player
HealthPoliticsUKTories inform Marcus Rashford that kids no longer need free school meals now they’re being so well fed by the food banks
BusinessHealthPoliticsUKGovernment tells people not to worry about feeding or educating their children because Primark is now open
BusinessHealthUKMassive queues outside Sports Direct stores due to countless rails of tat restricting maximum safe occupancy to one person
BusinessHealthUKPrimark imposes strict spend limit of £1.50 per family as fears grow over panic buying
PoliticsSocietyUKBrave patriot highlights his deep concerns for historical statues by hurling traffic cone at policeman
PoliticsSocietyUKMan uses quote he doesn’t understand from book he hasn’t read to make point he hasn’t thought through
EntertainmentPoliticsUKNigel Farage celebrates ‘historic triumph’ in brokering independence from ‘undemocratic LBC Euro-state’
HealthPoliticsUKBoris denies country moved to the ‘pretend everything is fine’ stage of coronavirus strategy too soon
EntertainmentUKNation’s comedy fans desperately hoping someone has a photo of Mrs Brown’s Boys wearing blackface
HealthPoliticsUKDominic Cummings’ family did ‘what any decent property developers would do’ when the rules say you don’t have permission to build
EntertainmentUKAnt and Dec apologise for long-running sketch portraying Geordies as irritating dimwits
EntertainmentSocietyUKGammons suddenly offended by 2004’s ‘White Chicks’ for some mysterious, what-abouty reason
EntertainmentHealthPoliticsUKMan who can’t get together with extended family in his own garden having big family reunion at Thorpe Park instead
EntertainmentPoliticsUKBBC pulls Nigel Farage’s Question Time appearances from iPlayer for ‘unacceptable historic offensive content’
