NewsThump

BBC staff now required to make tedious homophobic jokes and have fights in pub car parks

Any suggestion I was Labour leader is ‘dramatically overstated’, insists Corbyn

Woman who walked into a spiderweb gets a month’s worth of cardio in thirty seconds

Keir Starmer slammed for wanting to win a general election in this lifetime

Homeworker who planned to use saved commuting time for ‘exercise’ celebrates adding fourth inch to waist

Lockdown sequel to be ‘darker and more complex’ than original

Government to continue with ‘Hope it all sorts itself out’ Coronavirus strategy

Priti Patel’s tale of sorrow at the loss of migrants’ lives wins Booker Prize for fiction

Careless woman accidentally beaten to death by unlucky man

Leaving vulnerable children to go hungry is just our way of getting everyone ‘Brexit ready’, admits government

Man who spent summer insisting ‘All Lives Matter’ not that keen on helping migrant boats sinking in the Channel

“You shouldn’t have had so many children if you can’t afford to support them”, Boris Johnson told

Your dustbin counts as a safe place to leave a parcel, Amazon confirms

Donald Trump’s cognitive decline escalates as he continues to attack opponent he ran against four years ago

Exorcists called in to investigate “destructive poltergeist” discover that family just owns a cat

“Parents will use meal vouchers to buy drugs” insist people who believe drug dealers accept vouchers

Concern for Priti Patel after Ocado discontinues virgin’s blood

Thames Water issues moon with overdue water bill

Government set to ban Halloween trick or treating, just in case any hungry kids get fed

Organisms on moon think Tory MPs are scum, announce NASA

Nation actually kind of intrigued to know what excuse government will use when it inevitably U-turns on school meals

Poppy-geddon due to begin imminently

Man who doesn’t watch Strictly because ‘dancing is for gays’ furious as show includes first ever same-sex pairing

Tory suggests poor families make their own Confit de Canard rather than visit expensive French bistros

People claiming to be ‘true British patriots’ oddly determined that a portion of British children should starve

Tory MP Ben Bradley wakes up refreshed following lovely dream in which he was hailed as national hero for proving Marcus Rashford wrong to feed hungry children

Tories step up campaign to prevent children eating by criminalising grandparents who give kids sweets

People living in poverty very grateful for budgeting advice from rich Tory MPs

Proud Brexiter updates his ‘British Independence Day’ tattoo with yet another leaving date

Woman who has spent her entire life insisting the Pope is ‘infallible’ confident he’s wrong about ‘the gays’

Newsthump Digest