EntertainmentUKFestival goer shocked as event hosting 200,000 people in a field with no sanitation or washing facilities is cancelled
PoliticsUKWorldBoris Johnson promises fresh method of obsequious arse-licking towards Biden administration
EducationUKSchools to be given two weeks’ notice before reopening, and a further four hours before closing again
PoliticsWorldSatirists not sure what to do now after exhausting ‘Joe Biden is old’ jokes within 24hrs of inauguration
PoliticsWorldSecret Service detail yet to notice any difference as Donald Trump spends day on golf course
PoliticsWorldInauguration oath ends in chaos as confused Joe Biden vows to take the Chief Justice as his lawful wedded husband
BrexitPoliticsUKJacob Rees-Mogg vindicated as British fish left delighted at collapse of UK fishing industry
HealthPoliticsUKNew strain proves that post-Brexit Britain still capable of making things that lead the world
HealthPoliticsUK‘Self-isolating’ Matt Hancock caught space-hopping to Hedingham Castle ‘to test his hearing’
PoliticsUKHungry schoolchildren advised to become racist statues if they want the government to start caring for them
PoliticsScienceWorldAliens demanding ‘Take us to your leader’ asked if they can come back on Thursday
PoliticsWorldDonald Trump compared to Jesus after newly-discovered Bible verse chronicles the divinity of ‘pussy grabbing’
