HealthSocietyTechnologyUKMan furious as 40-minute run counts for nothing after forgetting to wear his Fitbit
PoliticsUKBoris to save Union by promising “a shiny ha’penny and a dram to each Scotchman and his bonnie lass”
PoliticsTechnologyWorldTwitter apologises for allowing photo to be tweeted that isn’t Bernie and his f**king mittens
TechnologyUKWorldExperts claim curve ‘finally beginning to flatten’ for Bernie Sanders chair memes on the Internet
BusinessHealthUKConspiracy theorists wanking themselves silly as Saga Holidays becomes first to say all passengers must be vaccinated
PoliticsSocietyUKWorldUK right-wingers furious as President Biden refuses to swear oath to the Queen on his first day
BusinessHealthPolitics£500 self-isolation payment actually just £3.68 after contract to distribute money won by Chartwells
SportsUKLiverpool praised for commitment to social distancing by not celebrating a single goal since lockdown
EntertainmentUKFestival goer shocked as event hosting 200,000 people in a field with no sanitation or washing facilities is cancelled
PoliticsUKWorldBoris Johnson promises fresh method of obsequious arse-licking towards Biden administration
EducationUKSchools to be given two weeks’ notice before reopening, and a further four hours before closing again
PoliticsWorldSatirists not sure what to do now after exhausting ‘Joe Biden is old’ jokes within 24hrs of inauguration
PoliticsWorldSecret Service detail yet to notice any difference as Donald Trump spends day on golf course
PoliticsWorldInauguration oath ends in chaos as confused Joe Biden vows to take the Chief Justice as his lawful wedded husband
BrexitPoliticsUKJacob Rees-Mogg vindicated as British fish left delighted at collapse of UK fishing industry
