NewsThump

Emma Raducanu dedicates US Open win to “all the creepy middle-aged man-children out there”

Royal rift as Queen celebrates victory of teenage girl in a US court

Bloody migrants, coming over here, getting good at tennis

Prince Andrew successfully served by US lawyers after papers disguised as Pizza Express menu

Laurence Fox seen booing Queen through loudspeaker outside Buckingham Palace

Jeremy Corbyn kicking himself for not running on a manifesto of social care and free broadband in 2019 election

Scottish monopoly on decent British tennis players finally comes to an end

Google’s AI division shocks world with claim it’s now just 5 years away from deciphering Geordie

Emma Raducanu dedicates latest win to “all the creepy middle-aged man-children out there”

EU quotas force Fish to cancel European tour

Priti Patel to trick migrants into turning around by flying French flags on Kent coast

HGV licences to be awarded to anyone who has ever used pornography

Donald Trump criticises removal of Thanos statue

Amazon’s UK tax finally found behind neighbour’s bins

Gavin Williamson praises Marcus Rashford for his role in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Man genuinely thought he was done peeling clammy testicles from inner thigh for another year

Post-Brexit shortage of water treatment chemicals leaves promised ‘sunlit uplands’ covered in sewage

‘And now you’re going to fund my social care!’ cackles retired landlord

Matrix 4 to include new purple pill to make you forget Matrix 2 and 3 happened

You’ll vote again and again until you give the correct answer, pledge SNP

Clap for corporate landlords – Thursday, 8pm

Supermarkets run out of shelves

Nation wearily prepares for October lockdown after government categorically rules it out

Tories reluctant to lose National Insurance no claims bonus to pay for social care

Old people to be forced to drive HGVs as social care overhaul revealed by government

One-day time management course could easily have been taught in one hour

Boris Johnson still keeping to manifesto pledge of breaking every manifesto pledge

Man declares he is ‘never drinking again’ for landmark 1000th time

Boris Johnson unveils new bus to persuade people to back his National Insurance rise

Deliveroo driver definitely thinks you’re a lazy, greedy bastard

Newsthump Digest