Apple released new AirPods

Apple CEO Tim Cook has revealed the 4th generation of its AirPod headphones, which the tech giant insists are completely digestible.

At a hurriedly arranged product launch, Cook explained that his engineers had been working tirelessly to bridge that gap between unparalleled audio quality and easily absorbed micro-nutrients for the discerning customer who can’t tell the difference between headphones and vitamin pills.

Cook told those gathered, “The new generation of AirPods can do everything the third generation can do, with the added benefit of reducing the risk of scurvy and giving you a vitamin B12 boost.

“Never again will you worry about accidentally consuming an audio device, as you can do so safe in the knowledge that you are boosting your immune system as much as we boosted your bass.

“We would like to thank our customers for introducing us to this emerging marketplace, as we’d previously only worried about toddlers and animals accidentally eating our AirPods, rather than fully grown adult humans.”

The new AirPods will be priced at £599, which Apple insists is easily affordable if you cancel your Netflix subscription.

Cook was later forced to deny that they are developing an iPhone that can act as a suppository, and insisted customers should endeavour to keep any other products on the outside of their bodies.

Man angry so many people offended by him saying an offensive thing

A man on the Internet who posted a thing designed to antagonise is surprised that it’s upset a few people.

Simon Williams, 24, made and shared a meme stating that there are definitely only two genders and anybody who disagreed was “a retard”.

“Just don’t look at it if you don’t like it,” shrugged Simon, “I don’t see the problem, I wasn’t saying this AT anybody, and retard is just a funny word. Plus I know some mentally handicapped people, so I know what I’m talking about here.”

One of Simon’s friends, Jay Cooper, said, “I saw the thing before I knew not to look. If I’d known it was there, I wouldn’t have looked. But then I’d have still known he’d done it, which is the real issue here, if you follow me.

“He seems to think I’m saying that he’s not allowed to post these things. He absolutely is, I’m just saying he’s an arse for doing so and for thinking those things, which he is also free to do, and at which I am also free to voice my displeasure.

“Ironically, he went on a massive rant about free speech, and then blocked me from his page so I couldn’t comment on his photos anymore.”

Man celebrates after being added to 100th unnecessary WhatsApp group that he will never be able to leave

Thumbnail image for Man celebrates after being added to 100th unnecessary WhatsApp group that he will never be able to leave

A man is celebrating today after being added to his 100th unnecessary WhatsApp group from which he will never be able to leave due to his crippling politeness. 

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Entire country switches to electric vehicles overnight as single tank of fuel passes RRP of a Tesla

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The entire population of the UK bought electric vehicles during the night as buying an expensive electric vehicle became cheaper than a single tank of fuel.

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Smart motorways ‘confusing’, insists man who doesn’t know which middle lane to hog

Thumbnail image for Smart motorways ‘confusing’, insists man who doesn’t know which middle lane to hog

Smart motorways have been slammed as ‘confusing’, with many drivers calling for the roads, which utilise the hard shoulder as a live running lane thus creating four lanes with no ‘middle’, to be scrapped.

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“FACT” or ”So true!” How do YOU signal your agreement with online bullshit?

Thumbnail image for “FACT” or ”So true!” How do YOU signal your agreement with online bullshit?

“FACT”, ”So true!” and ”AMEN”. There are lots of ways to voice your approval of something demonstrably false that you’ve just read on social media, but which is your favourite?

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‘It isn’t a swastika, it’s just six lines rearranged that happen to look like one’ – the ultimate guide to defending your use of Nazi imagery, by Laurence Fox

Thumbnail image for ‘It isn’t a swastika, it’s just six lines rearranged that happen to look like one’ – the ultimate guide to defending your use of Nazi imagery, by Laurence Fox

Laurence Fox was temporarily locked out of his Twitter account for creating a Swastika out of the lines used in four pride flags, and below we give you the only guide you need to defend the subtle introduction of Nazi imagery into our everyday lives.

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Brexiters who’ve spent six years saying ‘you lost, get over it’ still waiting to discover what they’ve won

Thumbnail image for Brexiters who’ve spent six years saying ‘you lost, get over it’ still waiting to discover what they’ve won

With the Minister for Brexit Opportunities still struggling to articulate any that don’t sound like a Remainer parody, Brexiters who’ve spent six years saying ‘you lost, get over it’ are still waiting to find out precisely what they’ve won.

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US Supreme Court to finally restrict Second Amendment after school shootings repositioned as 560-week abortions

Thumbnail image for US Supreme Court to finally restrict Second Amendment after school shootings repositioned as 560-week abortions

The US Supreme Court is set to finally throw their weight behind gun reform after the latest school shooting was repositioned as a series of 560-week abortions.

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Taliban praises US Supreme Court for clamping down on women’s rights

Thumbnail image for Taliban praises US Supreme Court for clamping down on women’s rights

After the US Supreme Court overturned the landmark Roe vs Wade decision, Taliban officials in Afghanistan have warmly welcomed the move and praised the regressive thinking behind it. Overturning an almost fifty-year-old decision that protects a pregnant woman’s liberty to choose to have an abortion without excessive government restriction will make the United States a much more […]

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