Father ted craggy island

The Irish border issue has finally been cracked.

Goods, parcels and sundries will be carried out on the borderline inaccessible Craggy Island as of April 1st, 2019.

“It’s a great deal or everybody,” confirmed Simon Williams, of the government’s Brexit team.

“All that needs to be done is for a boat to make the four hour trip from mainland Ireland to Craggy Island – where it seems to be raining almost permanently.

“The goods that actually make it ashore will then be checked over by a team of loyal volunteers from the local community, including members of the clergy, employees of the local cornershop and an odd-looking fellow who once robbed a post office.

“We are told a Father Ted Crilly will be overseeing the inspection, with Fathers Dougal Maguire and Jack Hackett inspecting the goods by hand to make sure there’s nothing amiss.

“Then the goods will be carefully placed back on the boat by a Mrs Doyle, who will be careful not to break anything not already broken by Father Dougal and Father Jack.

“It’s a tremendous plan and I foresee no mishaps, difficulty or half-hour long portions of hilarity.”

Father Jack Hackett commented “FECK!”

Theresa May on Brexit vote

Theresa May hasn’t finished polishing her Curriculum Vitae yet, and will be delaying the Brexit vote until she does.

Knowing damn well that she’s going to be out of a job roughly six seconds after John Bercow bellows “the nays have it”, the Prime Minister wants to make sure she looks as attractive as possible to future employers.

Mrs May’s secretary, Simon Williams, said, “Yes, of course men can be secretaries, you judgmental bastard.

“Anyway…yes, Theresa is very keen for her CV to be as impressive as possible. She’s covered it in pink glitter and everything.

“The ‘Employment History’ section is proving a little tricky as she’d rather not talk about her time as Home Secretary or her time as Prime Minister, so she’s just put ‘gap year’ between the years 2010 and 2018.

“I’m not sure running through wheat fields counts as a hobby either, but she was too frightened to put anything else in the ‘outside interests’ section.

“Under ‘personal achievements’, she’s written ‘haven’t shot Michael Gove’, which is admittedly very impressive.”

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“You lost, get over it” Brexiters told outside European Court of Justice

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Today’s Brexit Betrayal march is attracting ordinary folk from across the racist spectrum, according to reports

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Audi owner ruins sex session by pulling out without warning

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Paul Nuttall denies ever being a member of UKIP

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Former UKIP leader Paul Nuttall has today denied ever being a member of the increasingly far-right party, claiming he was too busy off celebrating his leading role in the new Harry Potter film.

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Public schools grateful to media for highlighting how good they are at getting students into Oxbridge

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The top eight public schools in the country are overjoyed that news outlets have decided to show just how much their exorbitant fees are worth it when it comes to getting pupils into Oxford and Cambridge.

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