Government has australian style deal with Manchester

The UK government has announced it has reached a deal with Manchester over proposed Tier 3 lockdown restrictions, insisting the deal has been agreed in the traditional ‘Australian style’.

Just days after the nation’s Brexit negotiators insisted they were perfectly happy living with an Australian style deal with the EU from January 1st 2020, those inside Downing Street are now claiming similar success following further talks with Greater Manchester officials.

A government spokesperson told us, “We are delighted to announce an Australian-style deal has been struck with Manchester, where they will continue to do as they please, and we will pretend we are an equitable part of that process.

“We wish those of you in the biased media would stop referring to such arrangements as being the result of ‘no deal’ simply because no deal has been struck.

“We have been very clear throughout this process that operating on an Australian-style basis would be good for this country moving forward into a post-Brexit world, and we’re happy to have come to the precise same terms with Manchester.”

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Greater Manchester told us, “Jesus fucking Christ.

“We’re only the nation’s third-biggest city, so I guess we were naive to expect the government to sit down and negotiate in good faith and in the best interested of the people in the north-west.

“Honestly, we are half expecting Boris to turn up in a big red bus with the message, ‘We bailed our business friends with billions, but let’s fob Manchester off with a few million instead’.

“I think we’d all quite like to see him drive that around Moss Side for a bit.”

duelling pistols to sort manchester Tier 3 issue

Dramatic news is emerging this morning of a western-style shootout to take place at high noon today to finally make a decision regarding the ongoing and drawn-out bitter dispute over Covid restrictions for Greater Manchester.

As heated exchanges continue this morning between representatives from both parties, with both sides unwilling to budge on their stance for days on end even as people continue to die in the region, an unprecedented agreement has finally been reached to finally decide matters by way of a shootout, at high noon in Trafalgar Square.

A Spokesman for the government revealed, “It’s the only way we can sort this. It’s unprecedented, but quite frankly, we’re out of ideas.

“Obviously we can’t proceed and agree with their proposals, as that would make us look soft, and of course cost a lot of money.

“And we can’t just make them go into Tier 3 either, because that will make us look bad, like we don’t give a shit about the north.

“So we are going to have to decide this the old school way, at midday, with a shootout in the centre of London.”

With Mayor Andy Burnham already agreeing to the duel on behalf of Greater Manchester, the government is frantically looking for a suitable candidate to take the gun for Westminster.

“We need someone fast, quick-witted, lethal, a winner, someone who is going to get this right and win the contest. Someone who won’t let us down. But someone who won’t be missed if they do.

“We are thinking Chris Grayling.”

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