Farage welcomes ursula von der Leyen

Brexit Party members have this evening graciously welcomed Germany’s Ursula von der Leyen as the newly elected president of the EU Commission, after a secret ballot among MEPs showed that she secured a massive 52% share of the votes.

Party leader Nigel Farage had spoken out against her candidacy before the vote, but after hearing that 52% of MEPs had voted for her, he was gracious in defeat and welcomed her into her new role.

He told reporters outside the European parliament, “Those who know me best, know that I am a man who believes in democracy, and 52% of the people here voting for her is the clearest possible indication that the will of MEPs is that she be the next EU Commission President.

“It is a resounding victory, nothing short of remarkable, and must signal the end of any debate about her position. The people here have spoken, and they must be listened to.

“Those of us in the 48% who didn’t want this must now suck it up and get over it. We lost, that’s the end of it.”

Political journalists asked if Farage would maybe try to undermine her presidency, or seek to have her removed, or if he would continue to campaign against her.

He told them, “No, that would be churlish in the extreme. It’s only right that those of us on the losing side now give her our full support.

“I am quite sure that everything will be brilliant under Ursula if we can just come together and believe it will be.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!

Scotland doesn't want Trump

Members of the public across Scotland have pleaded with the United States not to send Donald Trump their way, after the President implied some Americans could be sent back to the nation of their parents.

“He’s already come over and ‘sorted out’ the sea birds at his stupid golf course. Is that not enough?” pleaded crofter Simon McWilliams.

“Could he not go back further in his family history – like the Devonian period? Protozoan pond life, which cannot speak for themselves, have been observed swimming in happy circles to show they don’t need ‘help’ from anyone.”

Others have insisted his Scottish roots are limited, at best.

“He’s only Scottish on his mum’s side!” wailed Catriona McGreyfriarsbobby in a desperate act of gender betrayal, “Does that even count?”, though others were quick to dismiss this as a No True Scotsman argument.

Other frantic Gaels have pointed to the disparity in character; “He’s always on about winnin’ an’ not likin’ losers and that” spat Alistair McSplendouroftheheatherinbloom.

“If Scotland get into the World Cup again, he’ll never cope!”

But not all voices are negative. “He’d pass for Glaswegian no bother, with the orange tan an’ all,” said Callum McKnifecrime, “could we no swap him for Jimmie Krankie? I mean, wee Jimmy thinks he’s all naughty and so on, but Trump’s a pure nutter and I like that.”

State Department officials have poured water on the deal, describing Krankie as ‘childish and weird-looking enough, but too soft on Iran’.

Slovenia says the US can send Melania back any time they like.

Once great nation that put men on the moon unable to get c*nt out of White House

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Trump’s comments are totally unacceptable, insists man who refers to black children as picaninnies

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Fast & Furious movies and spin-offs to be cut short at ‘only fifty films’ reveal producers

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I utterly condemn Donald Trump’s tweets but I won’t tell you why, insists courageous Boris Johnson

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You can’t even say racist things without being called a racist, complains rich old white man

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England can’t be ‘World’ Champions at cricket because we don’t play it, insists American Baseball fan

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American-born congresswoman tells Trump, “Yes, the government where I’m from IS a total catastrophe”

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Putting ‘GO HOME’ on the side of a fleet of vans is always more effective than a Tweet, May tells Trump

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