Voter ID

The Conservatives have been coming up with ideas and God help us all.

In the wake of the Conservative plan that all voters must produce photographic ID in order to repvent voter fraud, even though only eight such instances were reported at the last election (that’s not even a joke, have a Google) at an estimated cost of twenty million pounds, it has emerged that this is just one in a portfolio of similarly expensive solutions to problems that don’t exist.

A NewsThump investigation (really? – ed) has revealed that other solutions from the government’s portfolio of ideas include:

  1. Special socks for keeping police batons warm
  2. Toothpick sharpeners for the under-tens
  3. Safety melons
  4. Fire-fighter-fighters, “to add an extra challenge/layer of fun for the fire crews”
  5. One prostitute per factory

“Roughly a billion pounds in total,” beamed Conservative spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“Money well spent, I think you’ll agree. Along with the voter ID scheme, of course.”

“Hmm? What? The homeless? Don’t be daft. There’s no magic money tree you know.”

Factory worker, Raymond Phelps, said, “We don’t need a prostitute. The asbestos in this factory killed off our libidos long ago.

“If you could do something about the asbestos, that would be super.”

Williams offered “There’s no money left, sorry.”

Thomas Cook boss

The boss of Thomas Cook can’t pay back his £500,000 bonus, as requested by MPs, as he’s used all of it to take his family to a 3-star hotel in Majorca during half-term.

Peter Fankhauser told a cross-party committee of MPs that he worked ‘tirelessly’ for Thomas Cook, but paying for a holiday with his family during peak-time ate up the entirety of last year’s bonus.

Holidays correspondent, Simon Williams, said, “Obviously, Mr Fankhauser is a very wealthy man, but even he can’t afford a simple week away during the school holidays as travel operators ramp up prices to cover the rest of the year when you can get all-inclusive at that 7-star place in Dubai for a fiver.

“He wouldn’t have been able to go, of course, if he didn’t get his staff discount, which took it down to a very reasonable £499,999.99.

“Obviously, that didn’t include any excursions or Cocktails of the Day.

“It is well known that Mr Fankhauser also received £250,000 worth of shares in his bonus, that are now worthless. Unless, of course, he cashed them in during the 6-week holidays, in which case they would have made him close to £100bn.”

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Man beats two-hour record at supermarket self-service checkout

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