Nadine Dorries eats kangaroo anus on television

Nadine Dorries has told the ‘attention seeking’ Tory rebels criticising Boris Johnson that they are doing it all wrong.

After the Culture Secretary told rebel MPs to stop picking on the prime minister because he’s been really nice to her lately, she went on to explain that attention-seeking is a skill, and they clearly need a crash course.

She explained, “Attention is currency, and I know that better than most, which is why I would tell each of them to get themselves on prime-time television to debase themselves for the entertainment of the electorate.

“There is nothing you can do on television that can hurt your political ambitions. I chewed my way through the arsehole of a deceased kangaroo, and here I am just a short few years later as the nation’s Culture Secretary.

“Would I be sat here with an entire government department and countless civil servants at my disposal if I hadn’t shit in a bucket and gnawed my way through a hairy ringpiece? Almost certainly not.

“So trust me when I tell you, slipping little ‘off-the-record’ comments to friendly reporters about what Boris may or may not have done isn’t going to get you the attention you crave.

“Go big or go home.”

One Tory told us, “Look, I’m ambitious, definitely, but if the cost of a place in the cabinet is humiliating yourself on national TV like Nadine, then I can probably live with a career on the backbenchers and a few choice directorships.

“I’m sure she’s happier anyway, no longer having to chomp at the chocolate starfish; these days she just has to give it a little kiss.”

Mr. Bullshit – get the Boris mug HERE!

Putin laughing at Liz Truss

President Putin has been rushed to hospital after collapsing from laughter following Liz Truss’s stern warning that he should ‘step back’ his military activity on the Ukrainian border.

The foreign secretary made the comments in a speech in Sydney, where she is presumably trying to sell British-made boomerangs to the Australians, in which she accused Russia of wanting to recreate the Soviet Union and urged President Vladimir Putin to step back his activity on the south-east border.

Kremlin guard Zimon Villiamov told us, “President Putin is not the laughing type, as we all know.

“But when he saw the British lady on TV trying to tell him off and warn him not to invade Ukraine, a smile spread across his face like the forces of Mother Russia will spread across our neighbouring countries’ lands until we rule the w- ahem, well, he smiled a lot, is what I’m saying.”

He went on, “But the fact she was trying to frown and look serious while delivering her ‘terrifying’ message just made her look constipated, and eventually President Putin just collapsed in an uncontrollable fit of the giggles and was rushed to hospital.”

There are unconfirmed reports from within the Kremlin that Putin is making a good recovery, and that doctors have recommended he recuperates by taking a short camping trip near the Ukrainian border, accompanied by thousands of troops and heavy artillery.

‘I’ve seen no evidence of intimidation’ insists Boris Johnson, holding invoice for 54 severed horses heads

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Boris Johnson has insisted today that he has seen no evidence whatsoever of intimidation or blackmail within his party, whilst holding an invoice for 54 severed horses heads.

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Gone, like a bat out of hell

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Bat Out of Hell roars into heaven on a silver black phantom bike

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Tommy Robinson not that fussed about going to the Vatican to report on all the Catholic paedophiles

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Serbia retaliates against Novak Djokovic deportation by expelling two kangaroos from Belgrade zoo

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Where is all the cheese and wine? asks Christian Wakeford at first Labour meeting

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An MP who defected from the Tories to Labour is wondering where the hell all the cheese and wine is.

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Grateful nation forgives Boris Johnson after he decides to end pandemic

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England has forgiven the Prime Minister for all this lying business after he announced that the pandemic is over and that masks and whatnot are no longer required.

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Boris Johnson untroubled by MP’s defection as he’d always assumed ‘Bury South’ was a euphemism for sex

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The defection of one of his so-called ‘Red Wall’ MPs to Labour just minutes before Prime Ministers Questions today doesn’t seem to have affected Boris Johnson in the slightest, according to Tory insiders.

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