‘Brown man break police nose bad, white patriot throw brick at police good’ – your guide to Gammon logic

In a week that has seen gammons furious at a man who broke the nose of a police officer in Manchester, while also defending the men who broke police officer bones throwing bricks at them in Southport, this guide will help you understand the process of the typical gammon in deciding whether police should be defended, or assaulted.

To the casual observer, defending police one moment and attacking them the next might reek of hypocrisy, but the gammon brain does not process information the same was as you and I.

You might look at a situation and weigh it up using a consistent set of rules such as “assaulting a police officer is wrong” and “kicking an already subdued man in the head is wrong” – but that would be a mistake in the world of gammon.

Let us use an example. Let me introduce Darren. Darren is a 48-year-old gammon from Basingstoke, and we showed him a video of the Manchester airport police incident and the Southport riots. This is what he told us.

Upon seeing the Manchester video, he told us, “Firstly any disrespect of our fine police should be dealt with in the sternest possible terms – if someone gets a kick in the head for punching a policeman, then great – they definitely deserved it. No question.

Upon seeing the Southport videos, he told us, “It’s two-tier policing at its worst. These peaceful patriots clearly just wanted to demolish a couple of walls and set fire to a mosque, and look what happened – riot police turn up? Was that really necessary? No wonder a few of the lads got a bit excited and threw stuff at them. They were probably terrified, it was perfectly reasonable behaviour. No question.”

When questioned why these two situations were different, and why a brown man punching a policewoman is bad, but another man throwing bricks at a policewoman is good, Darren looked confused for a few minutes, furrowing his brow as if someone had asked him to divide 21 by 7, before telling us, “They’re not.”

He went on, “They’re actually the same, because they’re both reactions to what an immigrant did. In Manchester the criminal migrant hit a policewoman, so we defended the police, and in Southport the police are trying to protect the identity of a criminal migrant, so we threw bricks at them. It’s entirely consistent, if you look at it in that context.

“Whether we defend the police, or throw bricks at them, has nothing to do with how they apply the laws of the land, and all to do with whether they’re helping or hindering the process of giving migrants a good shoeing.

“Checkmate libtards.”

“All in all it’s just a-nother brick in his balls.”