England fan ‘always knew we’d win’

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An England fan was always completely confident that England would beat Slovakia and really didn’t know what everyone was worried about during last night’s knockout match at Euro 2024.

“It was not starting Gallagher or Trent that was the key. Always said that we shouldn’t start either of them in the middle,” explained Simon Williams, who understands football and likes telling people as much.

“As soon as I saw that Southgate hadn’t started either of them, I knew we’d be alright. Play it safe for a while, make sure you never go more than one goal behind, and then bring on the creative players towards the end when everyone starts to panic that we’re about to be beaten by a team below Scotland in the world rankings. It’s what I always say. I’ve always said that.

“Everyone was worried, but not me. I was always confident we’d win. I knew we’d do it. I’m a proper fan.”

Mr Williams made it clear that even though he appeared agitated during the first half of the match, he wasn’t worried.

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“Look, I may have called Southgate a clueless loser whose only talent is to wear the sort of T-shirt your Dad wears to formal BBQs, but that, well, that was all mind games wasn’t it? I was just playing mind games. It’s all about mind games at this level of sport.

“That’s why I swore so much in the first 90 minutes or so. Not because I thought we’d lose, but because I wanted to motivate the players. Through the television. While they’re 500 miles away.”

“And yes, I may have jumped out of my seat screaming blue murder at him when that shot from the halfway line went just wide after another defensive brain fart. But I just had a cramp in my leg. Wasn’t worried for a minute.

“Slovakia? They’re not all and we were always going through. Like I said.”

Mr Williams offered his prediction for the next round.

“We’ll probably go out on penalties. We’re just not attacking enough.”

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