Private car parks forced to wait an extra 10 minutes before acting like pricks

author avatar by 3 weeks ago

As part of a new code of practice parking companies have pledged to implement in the autumn, the arsehole gatekeepers of asphalt must now wait a full 10 minutes past the allotted parking time before becoming twats and issuing their infamous and astronomical penalty charges.

This move, heralded as a victory for the common driver, promises to make parking in the UK a marginally less harrowing experience – for at least 600 additional seconds.

For years, private car parks have perfected the art of pouncing on tardy motorists with the efficiency of a highly caffeinated ninja. The slightest delay in returning to your vehicle would result in a dreaded plastic envelope stuck to your windscreen, demanding a sum that rivals the GDP of a small African nation.

However, the new rules mean that these vile vehicular villains must twiddle their thumbs for an extra 10 minutes before they can swoop in for the kill.

However, some drivers have argued that the new rule is merely a sticking plaster on a gaping wound.

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“They’ll still act like pricks,” commented Simon Williams, a former victim of car park charges.

“Now they’ll just wait until 10 minutes after your time is up before slapping you with a fee that could fund a week in the Maldives. They’re still going to fuck you, they’re just going to take their time doing it.”

While the tweak to the code of practise provides a brief reprieve for motorists, the core business model of private car parks – ruthlessly and efficiently extracting the maximum amount of cash possible from drivers – remains untouched.

The fines will continue to be astronomical, the appeals process will remain labyrinthine, and the operators will still relish in the daily misery they inflict – only now, they’ll be checking their watches a bit more frequently.

Parking companies have taken the news in their stride. “We’re professionals,” said one anonymous car park manager.

“If we have to wait 10 minutes before acting like pricks, so be it. We’ll still make our money, and the drivers will still end up paying through the nose. This minor adjustment to the timing is child’s play for master predators like us.”

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