England to secure victory against Slovakia by boring them to sleep

author avatar by 4 weeks ago

Gareth Southgate has announced that England’s game plan against Slovakia in the next round of the Euros is to bore them to sleep, according to reports this morning.

England, who topped their group after boring Serbia, Denmark and Slovenia into submission by following Gareth Southgate’s instructions to the letter, are understood to be very excited by their new strategy – although it’s very, very difficult to tell.

“The England strategy is a very difficult one to beat”, said Slovakian team manager Simon Williams.

“You can get the lads all fired up in the dressing room, and then they march out onto the pitch to find Southgate and his boys talking about what the best mobile phone contract is and that time they found a really handy shortcut off the A46 at Leicester and kicking the ball in a circle.

“Before you know it, your team is face down and snoring just outside the 18-yard-box but thankfully they probably still won’t risk actually trying to score a goal, or we could be in trouble.

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“At the top level of International football you have to be prepared for anything, but this England side is absolutely relentless in their tedium.

“Stanislav Lobotka has more energy than any footballer I’ve ever met, and even he felt his eyelids getting heavy as England passed it from side to side for the 178th time against Slovenia.

“We’ll just have to fill up on Red Bull and try to do our best to stay awake for ninety minutes.”

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