New polling reveals twats now slightly ahead of arseholes

author avatar by 4 weeks ago

The latest YouGov poll reveals that Reform UK are now slightly ahead of the Conservatives, proving once and for all that twats can indeed be more popular than arseholes.

The news has ignited supporters of both parties who claim to be in pole position in the race to come second in the general election, seemingly unaware that the nation’s first-past-the-post electoral system means they could still end up with a paltry number of seats.

Both parties, renowned for their bigoted policies and talent for telling fibs, still lag far behind Labour, who continue to lead comfortably by virtue of not being entirely filled with complete and utter rotters.

Reform UK, previously known for losing deposits faster than they can lose their dignity, have finally managed to edge out the Tories in a number of areas across the country where poorly-educated bigots outnumber bigots who went to University.

This leapfrog in the polls has been attributed to their latest policy announcements, which include deporting anyone who looks vaguely foreign, firing torpedos at small boats, and making it illegal to use non-British tea bags.

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Reform UK supporter Derek Williams told us, “It’s a proud day for us Twats. We’ve worked hard to appeal to the lowest common denominator and it’s paying off big time. Who knew that promising to turn the country into a fortress of bigoted ignorance would resonate so well with our base?”

Meanwhile, the Conservatives are licking their wounds and trying to figure out where it all went wrong, despite everyone repeatedly and animatedly pointing to the last three prime ministers.

“We’ve been the top arseholes for fourteen years,” lamented one senior Tory MP.

“We thought our latest plan to lie about what everyone else is doing would clinch it, but apparently, even our most ardent supporters are struggling to believe a word we say these days.”

Meanwhile, the Labour Party is observing the emerging rivalry from a safe distance, and has issued a statement telling voters, “While we’re pleased to see the Twats and Arseholes fighting it out for the runners-up spot, we’re focused on real issues, like making sure everyone knows that Sir Keir’s Dad was a toolmaker.”