REVEALED! Keir Starmer’s lack of personality due to him being a former agent from The Matrix

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The voting public finally has an explanation for the future prime minister having the personality of John Major on Xanax, after Keir Starmer’s past finally caught up with him.

The Labour leader and pie chart enthusiast’s dour demeanour, analytical nature, and apparent lack of personality have been explained by the explosive revelation that he was an agent in the Matrix prior to humanity’s truce with the machines.

“Ah yessssss,” confirmed Agent Smith, a former colleague of Keir Starmer.

“Starmer… Agent Starmer… I remember him well… a one-note piece of programming who would do whatever he was told. I always thought he would become a politician.

“He took out several human anomalies before Neo turned up and kicked the ever-living shit out of him, which is why he has that somewhat sad expression all the time. He never really got over it.”

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A Labour spokesperson said, “Well, yes, technically it is true that Mr Starmer was once part of a program to enslave and repress the entire human race.

“But I think we can all agree that potential enslavement under the machines is still a better prospect than living under yet another Tory government.”