Conservative election manifesto actually the Necronomicon

author avatar by 1 week ago

An eldritch tome of unholy secrets written by an insane medieval prophet has been launched to sweep the Conservatives back into government this morning.

The grimoire, attractively bound in a bright blue leather of unknown provenance, was launched at a press conference by the Prime Minister and several capering imps.

The Codex is titled ‘Klaatu Barada Nicto’, which senior members of government assured us is simply an old, very old, way of saying ‘Clear plan, bold action, secure future’.

Political reporters say that the manifesto has obviously been heavily workshopped by focus groups to attract middle England, people concerned about the impact of immigration, and howling servitors of the outer gods.

Reaction to the codex has been mixed, with early reports saying that it gives an unholy shriek when touched by human hands.

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However, although the economic policies have been twisted through blasphemous mathematics and torn a hole in the reality into a reality where conventional understanding does not hold true, they still make more sense than anything Rachel Reeves and Keir Starmer have come up with.

“Some policies are undoubtedly going to be controversial”, we were told, “Placing the NHS under the direct control of Azathoth the Daemon Sultan could be interpreted as taking market forces too far, for example.

“Although more than seventy per cent of nurses think he’d be better at the job than Victoria Atkins, Steve Barclay or Therese Coffey.”

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