‘Help, I’ve accidentally selected a Nazi appeaser to stand for my party!’ by Nigel Farage

author avatar by 1 week ago

Oh God, I’ve done it again. Why does this keep happening to me? Why do awful people with terrible opinions keep on finding themselves running for office while wearing one of my rosettes? And can you help me?

I’m not sure what more I can do? I’ve set up a limited company that looks a bit like a political party, I’ve ridden the populist wave to take on ‘the establishment’ while pretending to be a man-of-the-people despite being a privately educated former city trader with a bank account at Coutts.

Having total control over this compa… I mean party, should mean we can avoid making the sort of mistake that makes us look like the natural home for Nazi sympathisers – but it hasn’t worked out that way for some unfathomable reason.

It seems you only have to have a few former teachers talk about the fascist tendencies you displayed as a student, or speak at a far-right rally in Germany, and suddenly every Nazi sympathiser and a dog wants to stand for your party.

But now I have a dilemma. If I suddenly start conducting full and thorough background checks on every single person who wants to be a Reform MP, looking for adbhorrent things they might have said or done in the past, then we end up running the very real risk that we reject every single one of them. Then where will we be?

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Ridding Reform UK of candidates with disgusting and bigoted views could well leave us with no viable candidates at all – and we simply can’t do that this late in the election cycle?

Why haven’t we attracted any of the nation’s bright and the best? Why are our supporters constantly humiliating themselves in the comment threads on social media? What is it about me and what I stand for that attracts so many simpletons and reprobates?

Why can’t I catch a break?

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