My favourite candidate clearly won the first leader’s debate, insists absolutely everyone

author avatar by 2 weeks ago

Last night’s leaders debate was won by the person you’d already decided to vote for, we can report today.

This result was backed up by the newspaper and websites you usually read, and about 80% of the people you chose to be connected to on social media.

Early polling amongst Labour and Conservative voters indicated solid victories for Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak, respectively, whilst in Scotland ‘The National’ newspaper declared that John Swinney had resoundingly trounced the other party leaders despite not appearing.

Guardian and Daily Mirror writers disagreed, giving a solid win to Starmer, and claiming his performance demonstrates he is ready to become a world leader.

However, Conservative voters were unconvinced, saying the debates showed only Rishi Sunak has the gravitas and skill to serve as Prime Minister.

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Early polling after the event indicates a massive 0% of people changed their voting intentions as a result of the debate.

Meanwhile, Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has criticised the decision to exclude him from the leader’s debate, though has said he’s willing to settle for a permanent position on Question Time.