Labour to replace parliamentary candidates with robotic clones of Sir Keir Starmer

author avatar by 2 weeks ago

Labour Central Office have taking the dramatic decision to replace a number of their candidates for Parliament with robotic clones of Sir Keir Starmer.

“Disappointingly, we have monitored several of our candidates having disloyal thoughts towards Labour,” explained Simon Williams, a senior Labour strategy advisor.

“One of them even spent nearly thirty seconds whilst she was having a poo thinking that the decision to promise not to raise taxes was ‘not very socialist’.

“The Party takes loyalty seriously, and does not tolerate any acts of subversion – even if they are mere thoughts.

“As such, we have taken the difficult decision to terminate their candidacies and replace them with robotic clones of Sir Keir Starmer.”

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The robots are exact clones of Sir Keir. They can only behave, think and act exactly like Sir Keir and only need charging for an hour between midnight and one. They have been developed by Labour over the past year in anticipation of a general election.

“These robot clones of Sir Keir Starmer really are the perfect candidates,” continued Mr Williams.

“They say, think, and act in exactly the way we wish; they have no individual thoughts and have absolutely tremendous hair.

“I’m hoping that by 2029, all Labour candidates will just be robotic clones of Sir Keir Starmer who all say exactly the same thing at exactly the same time and never, ever have any disloyal thoughts at all.”

Mr Williams confirmed that there are no plans to replace any of Sir Keir Starmer’s top senior strategy advisors with robotic clones.


Actual footage of a Labour candidate being replaced by a robotic clone of Keir Starmer
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