Keir Starmer accused of betraying Labour’s electoral principles after insisting candidates must display ‘competence’

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Labour leader Keir Starmer has been accused of betraying the party’s time-honoured electoral principles by insisting that parliamentary candidates must demonstrate a modicum of ‘competence’.

This unprecedented move has sparked outrage among the party’s left wing, who argue that such a demand is a radical departure from Labour’s established tradition of mediocre candidates who repeatedly get their arses handed to them in general elections.

Starmer, in what some critics are calling a ‘left-wing purge,’ has effectively sidelined prominent figures such as Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn.

“Competence,” he declared, “should be the cornerstone of our candidacy selection process – so if the public associates you with incompetence, you’re probably not for us – sorry.”

This radical notion has been met with fierce resistance from those who fondly remember the party’s glory days of consistently losing general elections.

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“Competence? What next, expecting MPs to actually win seats?” scoffed an anonymous source within the party.

“This is a blatant betrayal of Labour’s core values. We have prided ourselves on our ability to field candidates who can passionately debate socialist theories while simultaneously ensuring a glorious defeat.

“Winning the argument while losing the election is what Labour is all about.”

Another Jeremy Corbyn fan and former Labour Party member told us, “It’s a sad day when demonstrating basic aptitude becomes a requirement. Labour’s principles are rooted in idealism, not practicality. We must stay true to our roots, even if it means perennial opposition.

“This focus on competence is nothing but a thinly veiled attack on diversity of thought. Labour’s strength lies in its ongoing commitment to the impossible.”

Some have interpreted Starmer’s insistence on competence as a calculated move to appeal to voters who prefer their representatives to be, well, representative. However, the backlash suggests that the party faithful are not ready to abandon the principles that have defined Labour’s unique approach to politics for the last fifteen years.

Meanwhile, Starmer has reacted to the anger from his party’s left wing with a brief glance in their general direction, and an even shorter shrug.

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