“Care worker shortage? What care worker shortage?” asks government planning to get all 18-year-olds to do it for free

author avatar by 2 months ago

The government has insisted there is no ‘care worker shortage’ since it is now planning to get 18-year-olds to work in the care sector for free as part of its ‘national service’ programme.

With over 100,000 vacancies in the care sector, thanks to Brexit and the new restrictions placed on workers wanting to come here and work in the care service, the government is under pressure to ensure the care system doesn’t collapse on their watch.

A CCHQ spokesperson told us, “There is no care worker shortage if we’ve already got a plan to fill those vacancies with surly 18-year-olds who can think of nothing worse than wiping the arses vulnerable people for a month of the year.

“Now, we can’t actually pay those 18-year-olds, obviously – because that would technically be giving them a job at the government’s expense, and that would be socialism, which is a bad thing. So we’re going to force them to do it for free, which is capitalism and, therefore, a good thing.

“Trust us, we have thought this through very well indeed.”

NewsThump Best sellers

Meanwhile, the nation’s current crop of 18-year-olds has reacted with precisely the amount of enthusiasm you’d expect at the prospect of an unplanned year in the military or an unpaid weekend every month spent picking litter, cleaning hospitals or wiping arses.

Jake Williams told us, “Care work, cleaning and the military are all honourable jobs that should be respected. So instead of filling vacancies with free labour, how about you make the wages attractive enough to actually entice people like me into those vocations? That is, after all, how this government believes the market should work, right?

“But what do I know, I’m just a young man about to be forced into servitude so a bunch of 70-year-old voters can maintain an erection.”

NewsThump Hoodies