“We know where all the Rwanda deportees are, we’re just keeping it a secret,” insists government

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The UK government announced today that it has definitely not lost track of those asylum seekers scheduled for deportation to Rwanda under its controversial new migrant laws, insisting that they know exactly where each individual is; they’re just not telling anyone because, well, it’s a secret.

“We understand there’s been some concern about our ability to locate migrants scheduled for deportation,” stated a Home Office spokesperson during a press briefing.

“But let me be clear: we haven’t lost anyone. We know precisely where each deportee is. It’s on a need-to-know basis, and quite frankly, no one needs to know.

“Do you really think we are the sort of government that would spend two years banging on about our plan to deport migrants, and then when the time came, realise we didn’t know where they are? How incompetent do you think we are?”

Despite the Rwanda plan being beset by problems since its conception, officials maintain that these are just minor hiccups in what is otherwise a flawless plan.

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Critics have been quick to accuse the government of mismanagement and inefficiency, but these claims have been met with the same level of transparency as a foggy day in London.

“Transparency is very important to us,” continued the Home Office spokesperson, speaking from behind a very literal smokescreen.

“Rest assured, every misplaced person is safe and sound in an undisclosed location that you don’t need to know about. They’re probably enjoying a cup of tea right now.”

One anonymous official, when pressed for details off the record, suggested that perhaps the public’s expectations were too high.

“People seem to think we should have a modern system with tracking and details. Next, they’ll want us to use computers!”