Opinion: I could do with ninety grand right about now, so please could Laurence Fox call me a paedophile?

author avatar by 1 month ago

Like most people, I’ve been feeling the pinch lately. The cost of living crisis, inflation, and bills have all led to me facing some tight months, and I’ve been looking around for a way to make a bit of extra money to see me through.

And that’s when I discovered that Laurence Fox has been calling people paedophiles and then paying them large sums of money.

So Laurence, if you’re reading this, please could you accuse me of molesting children? I really could do with a payday like that.

I look at my bills – gas, leccy, the local bakers and off-license – and wonder how I’m going to make ends meet at this time of financial crisis.

That’s why I’m reaching out to you, Laurence, in that spirit of charity and love for your fellow man which you claim to hold: please, say I’m a nonce and then send me a large cheque.

NewsThump best selling notebooks

You’re a more reliable chance of a bit of financial freedom than the lottery, or Make Me A Winner on Absolute Radio.

If you prefer, you don’t even have to make the allegations – you can just save time by making a sizable bank transfer, direct to me without the hassle of firing up your Twitter account to say it. It’ll save us both a bit of time and effort.

If you’re feeling skint too – and I suppose you might be after yet another ruling against you – then I’ll accept fifty grand in quick settlement.

Thank you in advance.