Rishi Sunak to end ‘sick note culture’ by putting coma patients to work as draft excluders

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Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has outlined plans to end ‘sick note culture’, citing the example of coma patients who could easily take up gainful employment as draft excluders.

His comments come as the government seeks to make further inroads into reducing the welfare budget, with those on incapacity benefits and claiming to be ‘sick’ seen as an easy way to save a couple of billion a year.

He told reporters, “Sure, you might have a so-called ‘bad back’, which means you’re not going to be working as a handyman – but drug companies are always looking for people to test stuff on, and you are more than qualified to do that.

“This isn’t just about saving money, it’s about making people feel better about themselves by making a contribution to society – a contribution made by taking on a minimum wage job nobody else wants.”

Sunak said that in these difficult times, people with considerably less wealth than him would probably insist those people who are on incapacity benefits should be making some sort of contribution to society.

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He continued, “I just don’t believe that all these people should stay at home being all incapacitated when they could be out there contributing to society as a drugs tester or one of those guys sat in a chair holding a ‘golf sale’ sign.

“Look at all those coma patients; what sort of middle-class family wouldn’t want such an eco-friendly draft excluder? It’s all-natural and 100% biodegradable.

“It’s minimum wage work, granted, but it still means fewer benefits paid by the state and fewer sick days for the patients themselves, which is obviously a good thing.”

“Yes, there will be the odd beep or alarm from the equipment that follows your new draft excluder around, but this is nothing compared to the sense of personal satisfaction experienced by the coma patient for the contribution they will now be making.

“Probably.”