Tories reset their ‘days since our last sex scandal’ counter back to zero

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After Tory MP Mark Menzies lost the whip for allegedly using campaign funds to pay a man he met on a dating app who then ‘held him hostage’ at his flat, the Conservative party has found itself back at zero days since its last sex scandal.

After going almost twelve full days since the last sex scandal embroiled the government, workers at Conservative Central HQ are this morning sighing while rubbing out the number 12 and replacing it with another zero.

Tory strategist Simon Williams told us, “After William Wragg was caught giving out MPs phone numbers to a foreign agent he met on Tinder, all because they had ‘compromising’ photos of him, we hoped we’d have a bit of a break from sex scandals. It put everyone on high alert. We were hoping for maybe a few weeks break. At the outside maybe even get into summer proper – but alas, no.

“This time, we’ve got a Tory MP, Mark Menzies, who allegedly met a guy on a dating app and went back to his flat, then to another flat, then demanded thousands of pounds from an aide in the middle of the night for a ‘life and death’ situation, money which was ultimately paid by campaign funds.

“It’s not like we even have a police report to work with, because it was never reported to the police. Which is admittedly surprising for a ‘life and death’ situation.

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“So yes, this resetting the counter back to zero is extremely disappointing, especially while we’re trying to get all of our client journalists to focus on Angela Raynor and her despicable behaviour in possibly filling in a form incorrectly a decade ago.

“That’s where the media SHOULD be focussing.

“But you watch, she will get away with it now, all because the gutter press instead prefers to satisfy its seedy fascination with government MPs being so easily and repeatedly lured into sex traps through dating apps.”