Banning cigarettes for young people will ensure they are as impossible to buy as cannabis, insists government

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Government plans to ban the sale of cigarettes will make them as hard to get hold of as cannabis, we can report today.

With parliament debating the government’s plans to prevent anyone born after 2009 ever being able to buy cigarettes, the controversial subject has once again reared its ugly head.

Cannabis has been nigh-impossible to source in the UK ever since it was criminalised in 1928, and the government plans to extend the law to include the cigarettes which people who ‘cannot find a dealer’ have been resorting to.

People who attempt to buy weed illegally have been foiled at every step, and drug advisory bodies are fully in support of this latest extension to the law, describing it as “sensible and definitely very easily enforceable.”

A government spokesman told us, “Criminalisation has resulted in the blight of cannabis vanishing from this country.

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“Gone are the days when recreational drugs were easily available from any street corner, and a culture of abstinence now reigns across this great nation of ours.

“Thanks to the resounding success of our drugs policy, it’s clearly time to send a message to people; that selling cigarettes simply isn’t acceptable either.”

Manufacturers of cigarettes are horrified by the news, protesting that they will never, ever be able to sell another packet of brightly labelled addictive leaves ever again, once the ban is brought in.

Whilst disappointed by the news, the British public is reported to be resigned to the change in the law, and have accepted that they’ll never be able to develop smokers lung, ever again.

“It was fun whilst it lasted,” we were told.

In related news, underage drinkers are demanding the government ban sales of White Lighting and WKD Blue in order to save them the trouble of having to produce their fake ID and talk in a deep voice in the shop.