Concern faeries, goblins, and other mythical beings may be entering country through illegal routes

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There is increasing concern in Government that illegal immigration has spread from humans to mythical beings and that thousands of faeries, goblins, elves, and perhaps even some ogres, are entering the country through illegal routes.

“Well, I think the first thing we need to do is get a bloody handle on exactly how many of these bally creatures have got into our country,” explained Sir Jeremy Felchampton, MP for Rampant Cockin in Hampshire.

“I suspect there are thousands of bloody European faeries over here making mischief at the bottom of hard-working Brits’ gardens and then claiming faery benefits paid for out of our hard-earned taxes! It’s a bloody disgrace is what it is.”

Sir Jeremy has called for an immediate inquiry to establish exactly how many mythical beings are at large in the country. However, some experts believe that definitive numbers would be very difficult to establish.

“Well, the problem with mythical beings is that they’re imaginary. They don’t exist,” explained Dr Daphne Hooper, a professor in myth and fantasy.

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“And, of course, if things don’t exist, then they’re really very difficult to accurately count.”

Sir Jeremy was dismissive.

“Balls. We’ve got computers and AI and whatnot. I can’t believe that we couldn’t use all that technology to track down what all these foreign faeries and goblins are up to.”

Once the number of illegal mythical beings has been established, Sir Jeremy believes we need to work on a programme of deportation.

“Quite right. Send the buggers back to where they came from. We don’t want a load of Somalian elves roaming the countryside working their strange Somalian magic. Send them back to Somalia!

“Don’t give me any of that guff about them not being safe, either. They’re elves, they can use their magic protect themselves. That’s well known, it was in Lord of the Rings.”

Once a plan is in place to manage the illegal migration of mythical creatures, Sir Jeremy believes we need to look into the status of supernatural creatures next.

“Quite right. I don’t want some Algerian vampire sucking my blood. Not when a hard-working British vampire is going thirsty. Someone needs to bloody do something!”