Underfunded police to start removing protesters using Photoshop

author avatar by 2 weeks ago

The Metropolitan police have announced today that due to a lack of funding and available front-line staff, they will no longer be removing protesters by force, and will instead remove them using Photoshop.

Police spokesman Simon Williams told reporters, “A police officer’s average salary is £28,000 pa, and we’d need at least 5 officers to break up a protest.

“For less than half that cost, we can hire a couple of art students from the local college and get them a subscription to the full Adobe Creative Suite.

“If you can’t see the protesters in the pictures, did it even happen? It worked for Stalin!”

The new recruits are being hired as Photoshop Creative Officers or PSCOs.

“It’s been so successful we’re considering using the blur tool to enhance speeding camera images and increase fines.”

Other methods have been tested, including reducing violent crime by removing blood stains from crime scene photographs, reducing burglary numbers by putting stolen items back into photos, and reducing sexual assault statistics using touch-ups.

“Inspired by the Adobe subscription model, we were considering running the police force as a subscription service until someone pointed out that’s what taxes literally are. Except in this case, you can’t unsubscribe.”