Boeing to offer discount flights to anyone willing to hold door in place for the duration of their flight

author avatar by 4 weeks ago

In an attempt to tackle their recent maintenance woes head-on, aviation giant Boeing has announced an innovative, cost-saving measure for passengers, with substantial discounts on flights for those willing to hold the plane together during the journey.

Following a minor hiccup in January, where a Boeing 737 MAX 9 door decided to embark on a solo journey mid-flight, Boeing’s new “Hold Tight and Save” program promises a thrilling, hands-on flying experience.

“Here at Boeing, we’re all about innovative solutions to unique challenges,” stated Boeing’s newly appointed Vice President of Creative Solutions, Chuck Williams.

“Our research indicates that the most effective way to ensure a door remains attached to the rest of the plane is, quite simply, human intervention. Plus, it’s a really great arm workout.”

Passengers keen on using the discount will be subjected to a rigorous selection process, including an arm-wrestling match against the previous flight’s strongest door-holder. Winners will not only enjoy discounted travel but also receive complimentary gloves and a certificate of bravery, suitable for framing or as a makeshift fan when the going gets tough.

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Critics have raised concerns over safety, comfort, and the logistics of bathroom breaks. Boeing has responded with a comprehensive FAQ, highlighting the addition of exclusive, door-adjacent porta-potties and a revolutionary “Shift Swap” system allowing passengers to take turns holding the door, ensuring everyone arrives at their destination not only slightly better off financially but also with an incredible story to share.

“We believe this initiative will bring people together, quite literally,” continued Williams.

“In these divided times, what better way to foster unity than by collectively ensuring the plane’s structural integrity?

“And for those still deciding whether to apply for the discount, I can confirm that you will definitely be holding the door securely from the inside.”

As for concerns regarding the door’s actual repair, Boeing assures that they’re exploring several avant-garde solutions, including duct tape aesthetics and motivational stickers that encourage the door to “Stay Strong.”