For a £10m donation, we’d let you hunt black people with crossbows, confirm Tories

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The price of saying or doing whatever the fuck you like, is a £10m donation to the Conservative Party, according to the government today.

After major Tory donor Frank Hester was criticised for his comments on former shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott, in which he suggested she should be shot, and that she made him hate all black women, the Conservatives have tried to defuse the situation by pointing out that £10m buys you a lot of goodwill in government circles.

A Tory spokesperson said, “For a donation that size, it’s pretty much open season on whatever bigotry you want to exercise. Use the N-word? Sure. No problem. Round a few black people up and hunt them with crossbows? Well, I guess so, probably.

“I mean, we’ll definitely criticise you for it, because it’s clearly 100% illegal, but as long as you apologise for it pretty quickly, we’ll just get a few ministers to explain how swiftly you apologised and then sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened.

“And we’ll keep the £10m, obviously.”

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Meanwhile, voters have been reminded not to read too much into the fact that doing and saying awful things doesn’t preclude you from giving money to the Conservative Party.

The spokesperson went on, “You have to remember, when it comes to election season, Mother Theresa’s tenner can be spent in exactly the same way as Harold Shipman’s. We’ll happily take both.

“If we only took donations from nice people who never say or do anything awful, then we’d be as poor as the Greens.”