Jeremy Hunt hints he will use budget to announce drastic cuts in honesty

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Chancellor Jeremy Hunt has hinted that there needs to be a significant cut in honesty in Wednesday’s budget if the Tories are to win the next general election.

Hunt is expected to present the Tories as the party that will deal with all of the nation’s problems by being entirely dishonest about their part in causing them.

Simon Williams, a teacher in Sussex, who said, “I was definitely happy to vote for the Conservatives last time, but it seems that when they said I’d have more money in my pocket they actually meant they were going to stop me having any more money in my pocket.

“So yes, I am having doubts about being perpetually poor under his Government. Unless they lie to me again about being better off under them next time round, then I’ll consider voting for them again. Obviously.”

There is concern among Tory backbenchers that unless Hunt announces drastic cuts in honesty, they could all be out of a job before Christmas.

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“Yes, technically it’s true – our policies will target poorer people more than rich people, but history tells us that this is not generally a vote winner among the proles,” explained one long-serving Tory MP.

“How about some more creative lies about how you can’t see a dentist because of people arriving in small boats and how our children are all fat because of drag queens?”

Many conservatives believe there is a ‘clear and present danger’ of the government being seen as completely responsible for all of the country’s ills, unless drastic cuts in honesty are brought in immediately.

A conservative insider told us, “With extending retirement ages, no pay rises for low-end civil servants, and plans for inheritance tax allowances being extended, there is only so much we can get away with just because we’re ‘not Labour’.

“Even the line that everything bad in your life is the fault of small boats is starting to fall of deaf ears. It’s time to get creative.

“From this point on, I think it’s safe to say that we need everything coming out of Rishi’s mouth to be a complete lie.

“We needn’t worry about consequences and stuff, as no-one ever holds us to our promises anyway.”