Man who claims to ‘despise all socialist principles’ picks kids up from state school after driving on public roads to get his hand bandaged at A&E

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Local man Simon Williams, who regularly floods his social media feeds with diatribes against “the dangers of socialism,” has been spotted utilising a trifecta of socialist services all before lunchtime today.

Williams, known for his fiery Facebook posts decrying anything remotely left-of-center as “the downfall of modern society,” seamlessly transitioned from driving on public roads, to picking his children up from state-funded education, to visiting an Accident & Emergency department for a minor hand injury—all without the merest hint of irony.

Sources close to Williams confirm that his daily routine heavily relies on what he terms “the scourge of socialism.”

When pressed about the apparent contradiction, Williams waved off the accusation with his freshly bandaged hand, explaining, “It’s different when I do it because I actually work for my benefits. If I’ve got a job then I don’t benefit from socialism. That’s how it works.”

This statement came moments after thanking NHS staff for their quick, free-at-the-point-of-care medical treatment, a feature of the very socialist healthcare system he regularly opposes online.

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Critics argue that Williams’ behaviour is emblematic of a broader misunderstanding of socialism’s role in providing public services within a functioning society.

“Derek loves to hate on ‘socialist ideas’ from his state-funded road to the state-funded school, all while enjoying the peace of mind that comes with state-funded healthcare,” commented a visibly amused neighbour, who prefers to remain anonymous for fear of becoming the next target of Williams’ poorly spelled social media tirades.

“He doesn’t seem to realise, like the rest of the world, that socialist programmes can coexist quite comfortably with capitalist ones. Only morons believe they are mutually exclusive.”

In a bid to clarify his stance, Williams later posted a lengthy Facebook update, arguing that “true socialism is when the government does stuff I don’t like, and the more stuff it does that I don’t like, the more socialist it is.”

The post concluded with a pledge to further research socialism, starting with a deep dive into the Wikipedia page for “Capitalism” during his next A&E visit.

As of press time, Williams was seen googling “Is the fire brigade socialist?” after a small kitchen fire prompted a swift response from the local fire brigade, once again courtesy of public funding.

Friends are eagerly awaiting the mental gymnastics that will accompany his next social media update.