Labour Party calls for immediate ceasefire between Tories and Speaker

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Sir Keir Starmer last night called for an “immediate and comprehensive” humanitarian ceasefire in the bloody Tory-Speaker conflict, which has been raging in the contested area of the House of Commons chamber for a period of hours. 

“Enough is enough,” said Starmer in his most convincing monotone.

“I have been very clear that we are a compassionate party who want to see a resolution to this discord.

“So, let me be clear – we are demanding a laying down of arms from both the Conservatives and Lindsay Hoyle before any more innocent votes are lost.”

Tensions had been running high in the disputed zone between the government benches and the Speaker’s chair all day, but open warfare broke out when Hoyle was accused of conspiring with Labour rebels against the Conservative government to bake a lovely batch of fudge.

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“This is very different to the storm-in-a-teacup row over Gaza,” continued Sir Keir, clearly.

“My decisive action here will protect unsuspecting bystanders from becoming collateral damage in a war that they did not provoke; namely saving the skin of a sixty-seven-year-old Lancastrian who did nothing but my bidding.

“I cannot, and will not, stand idly by and watch as the blameless lose everything, especially cushy jobs in the Palace of Westminster!” continued the Leader of the Opposition, to cheers from Rachel Reeves and absolutely no one else.

“The Conservatives have gone too far and can no longer charitably be accused of acting in self-defence. This is all out political attack.”

At press time, Sir Keir was considering a U-turn, but we couldn’t wait for him to make his mind up.

Said Hoyle, “Last order! Last order!”