‘Trident remains an effective nuclear deterrent, as long as the target is within throwing distance’ insists MOD

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Trident remains a safe and effective nuclear deterrent according to the Ministry of Defence today, as long as the enemy target is less than approximately 100 feet away from the launch site, maybe 150.

With news emerging earlier that the test firing of a trident missile has completely failed for the second time in a row, landing in the sea close by, MOD bosses have insisted today that the deterrent is still very effective,  if the target is really really close to the submarine that fires the missile.

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Defence confirmed, “It still works, sort of.”

“We can confirm that the Trident nuclear weapons system is still a very effective deterrent against any aggressive enemies of the UK.

“As long as those enemies are right next to one of our submarines in the sea where the missile can actually reach them. Because, you know, they don’t really fly that far before plummeting into the ocean.

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“Thirty to fifty yards away ideally. Any more is a bit of a push.

“But if anyone wants to start anything we will definitely retaliate with extreme force, which will strike fear into our enemies. Well, the ones close by.”

Asked to comment on the current UK deterrent, Russia confirmed, “We are shitting ourselves. Honestly.”